Divorce is one of the most painful subjects the church has to deal with today. In a society that doesn’t think twice about ending a marriage simply because someone is bored or unhappy, it has become normalized to the point that we’re rarely surprised to hear about it. Anyone reading this probably knows at least 1 person who has experienced a divorce.
At the same time, we know that God places great value on the purpose of marriage. As followers of Christ, we want to honor God not only with how we view marriage, but also how we think about divorce and remarriage. There is a lot of debate among Christians about whether God allows divorce for any reason, or what reasons God would see any divorce as valid for the purposes of remarriage. This article won’t settle that debate, but I hope it will give you something to think about as you try to understand God’s will.
A word before we begin
This is a very sensitive topic and one that may upset some readers. As with any belief, it’s important that we set aside tradition, emotion, or personal experience and look at the entirety of what God has revealed. As you read, I hope it’s clear that I want to understand God’s will about divorce and remarriage based on the Bible above all else, even if you disagree with my conclusions.
This is obviously a long article, and I’m choosing not to break it up because I believe everything needs to be considered at once. I’ll start by discussing God’s purpose in creating marriage, then look at whether it’s permissible to divorce and remarry because of either adultery or abandonment. I’ll conclude with some final thoughts and covering some obvious questions people may have at the end.
I’ll be up front and say that, because of how I understand God’s word, I don’t believe that He recognizes any form of divorce. Even if a court calls 2 people divorced, I don’t believe God agrees any more than a man in Australia marrying his dog is truly recognized by the Lord. This obviously goes against what many Christians believe today, and even teachers and pastors I love and respect would disagree with me.
Again, I ask that you’ll take the time to understand what I see in God’s word that leads me to that conclusion. My goal isn’t to change minds, but simply to dig into the Bible and try to surrender my worldview to what I believe God has revealed.
Understanding marriage and God’s faithfulness
Before we can look at what God says about divorce, we first need to understand the purpose of marriage. After all, how God feels about ending it will depend on the purpose of it. There’s no easier place to start than by looking at why God created marriage in the first place.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:25-31)
When husbands are wondering how to treat their wives, they are told to look at how Christ treats His bride, the church. When we ponder this, it’s easy to think that God uses this comparison because it’s clever or helps us understand it. However, when we really read what’s happening here, and especially Paul’s conclusion at the end, we see that God created marriage with a greater purpose than just 2 people existing together.
When we think of marriage today, we make it about us. We choose a spouse based on how they make us feel. Marriage vows include how happy the other person makes us, how they make us feel safe, how attractive they are, etc. We enter marriage assuming it’s about what we get out of it, and thus we treat it selfishly.
It should be no wonder why marriage is in such chaos today, whether we’re talking about divorce or the homosexuality debate. Christians have, without realizing it, given the value and purpose of marriage over to those who hate God and rebel against His will. We’ve taken a gift He created with purpose and turned it into something designed to serve us. We don’t value marriage because we don’t surrender everything about it to God, instead trying to squeeze Him in wherever we can fit Him. We’ve let culture define marriage for us, and have tried to make the Bible work with that definition.
But this passage in Ephesians goes completely against that kind of thinking. Here we see that God didn’t create marriage and then model the church after it. Instead, we see that God’s original purpose for marriage, even before mankind was created, was to have marriage point us to our Savior. God’s every desire and command within marriage was meant to be an earthly, imperfect picture of the coming of Christ and the redemption He would bring.
Understanding that, the Old Testament unfolds in a way that is not only beautiful, but drives us to our knees in awe and wonder at how patient and loving our God is.
Take any story in the Old Testament. Odds are good that it will involve God’s people rebelling against Him, trying to find happiness elsewhere, and God never letting them go. He will often let them go through trials and suffering to bring them back to Him, but that’s the point – God is always bringing them back. No matter how much they rebel, fight His authority, or go after other gods, He is eternally faithful and never casts them aside forever.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:30-31)
When Paul talks about this mystery that is revealed in Christ and the church, he’s bringing us all the way back to the Garden of Eden. Before the temptation, before the world was broken, God created marriage as a picture of something bigger. The idea of a man and a woman being one flesh is significant, not only in how we understand marriage, but also how we understand salvation itself.
My people consult their wooden idol, and their diviner’s wand informs them; for a spirit of harlotry has led them astray, and they have played the harlot, departing from their God. (Hosea 4:12)
“All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. (John 6:37)
As believers, our greatest comfort is knowing that no matter what we do, no matter how much we sin and turn to idols, God will never abandon us. Our safety in Christ isn’t dependent on us, just as God’s faithfulness to Israel had nothing to do with their faithfulness to Him. Just like Israel, we regularly play the harlot and depart from our God. Yet our God is faithful and never departs from us.
For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 5:38-39)
That’s because, like a husband and wife, our salvation makes us “one flesh” with Christ. We are permanently, inseparably joined to Him for eternity. Not because of our works, but because of His eternal mercy, goodness, and love.
This is what God had in mind when He created marriage. It wasn’t for our happiness, but as a picture of Christ and His bride. Marriage has always, and will always, be a shadow of something much bigger than a man and wife who love one another. A man loves His wife like Christ loves the church because God designed the role of “husband” to be an imperfect reflection of how Jesus Christ loves and sacrificed for us.
And it’s this understanding of marriage that will allow us to better understand what the Bible says about divorce and whether God allows special circumstances for it.
(If you want to get an even bigger picture of how God shows His constant faithfulness in spite of Israel’s constant adultery, go read the book of Hosea and see how Gomer is a picture of Israel.)
Can I get divorced because of adultery?
The Bible tends to be pretty clear that God hates divorce. Understanding that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, we can understand why. How could God ever want us to end the earthly picture of our eternal joining to Christ?
Yet God’s word does seem to make a few exceptions for divorce. But understanding marriage as we do, how does this make sense? If we believe we are eternally secure in Christ, no matter what we do, why would God then turn around and make exceptions? Here’s where this exception comes from:
Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” They *said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” He *said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9)
It seems pretty cut and dry – if your spouse cheats on you, you can divorce them and marry someone else. If you divorce for any other reason, you cannot get remarried.
The most obvious problem we may notice is that Israel did this all the time, yet God never abandoned them. He didn’t lock them down and make them stay, but He kept His vows to them even when they didn’t. It should at least make us scratch our heads as to why God would use marriage and adultery language all throughout the Old Testament, only to say that this specific circumstance is exactly when this “one flesh” union can be separated.
However, there’s another thing we need to notice, and it can help us make sense of Christ’s words. Let’s look at this exact same account in the gospels of Mark and Luke.
But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” In the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again. And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”(Mark 10:5-9)
“Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery. (Luke 16:18)
In these other two accounts of the same story, something very critical is missing. When Mark and Luke record Christ’s words, they never mention this adultery exception. Without reading Matthew, it seems apparent that Christ left no room for divorce. So why does God’s word seem to contradict itself?
As always, the answer is context.
When we read and study Matthew, it becomes clear that Matthew had a very specific audience in mind when he wrote. Matthew was a Jew who was writing to his fellow Jews. Though everything he said was true, the areas of Christ’s life that he highlighted were for the benefit of those who were enslaved to the Law of Moses and needed to understand the freedom they now had in the Messiah.
Thus, Matthew included things that his readers would have readily understood. Mark and Luke, by contrast, would have left those things out because it wasn’t relevant to the audience they were writing to. Many Jewish customs would have gone over their heads and only confused the reader, thus they preserved the truth of Christ without adding confusion to the reader.
Jewish marriage, and especially betrothal, is one of those things that would only make sense to a Jewish audience at that time.
“If there is a girl who is a virgin engaged to a man, and another man finds her in the city and lies with her, then you shall bring them both out to the gate of that city and you shall stone them to death; the girl, because she did not cry out in the city, and the man, because he has violated his neighbor’s wife. Thus you shall purge the evil from among you. (Deuteronomy 22:24-25)
I’d highly encourage you to read Deuteronomy 22:13-30 to get a much bigger picture of Jewish customs when it came to marriage. However, this slice gives us insight into how the Jewish culture viewed the relationship between an engaged couple.
Verse 24 talks about an engaged woman sleeping with another man. It’s clear that this is a woman who isn’t married. Yet in verse 25, it says that the man who sleeps with this engaged woman will be executed because he slept with another man’s wife. In other words, the Jews Christ was speaking to understood that, according to their customs, an engaged woman was considered just as “married” as she would be when she was actually married.
Those who would argue against this understanding of Jewish betrothal will often point out that it doesn’t make sense for Christ to say that it was a sin to end a betrothal for any reason other than adultery. Why would it be wrong to end an engagement for other reasons if the two aren’t truly married, and thus not one flesh? And why would be it adulterous for someone else to marry that woman?
Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin. (James 4:13)
Therefore concerning the eating of things sacrificed to idols, we know that there is no such thing as an idol in the world, and that there is no God but one. For even if there are so-called gods whether in heaven or on earth, as indeed there are many gods and many lords, yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom are all things and we exist for Him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him. However not all men have this knowledge; but some, being accustomed to the idol until now, eat food as if it were sacrificed to an idol; and their conscience being weak is defiled. (1 Corinthians 8:4-7)
God’s word is clear that there are sins which are absolute and unquestionable (like anger or jealousy), and sins which are only sinful to an individual’s conscience (like drinking alcohol or watching certain TV shows). Christ had to die for both, but Christ didn’t have to die for every Christian who eats meat offered to idols – only those who did so against their conscience.
I pointed out James and 1 Corinthians to make it clear that there are things we can do which we know are wrong, even if the Bible doesn’t specifically call it out. And perhaps those things aren’t even wrong for others to do if it doesn’t violate their conscience.
This bigger understanding of Jewish engagement also helps us understand Joseph’s reaction to Mary’s pregnancy.
Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When his mother Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. (Matthew 1:18-19)
Matthew would have had this in mind when talking about Christ’s command for divorce. How could Matthew and his readers see that Joseph could be considered a “just man” if he was willing to divorce Mary? By pointing out that Joseph wasn’t betraying the Law or his conscience by ending an engagement to a woman he (rightly) assumed was pregnant by another man.
When we read the entire context of Matthew 19, we see that there’s more going on than Christ making a universal exception for divorce. He’s speaking to a specific group of people at a specific period in history.
Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” (Matthew 19:3)
In that time, there were Jews with a very backward understanding of marriage. They believed that if a man found any fault with his bride-to-be, he could abandon her and get a new one. This could be anything from how she wore her hair to something she said… all the way down to the man just finding someone he liked better. They were practicing wife-swapping as they bounced around from woman to woman, essentially terrorizing these women into compliance out of fear of being cast aside.
But, as always, Christ isn’t playing their silly games.
And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” (Mathew 19:4-6)
Here, Christ is very blunt about what they’re doing. No, it’s not lawful for a man to just divorce his wife for no reason. God made them one flesh, and what God has joined together was never meant to be torn apart.
But because they thought they understood God’s word better than God Himself, they thought they had Him trapped.
They *said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give her a certificate of divorce and send her away?” He *said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. (Matthew 19:7-8)
These men thought they were actually righteous when they divorced a woman who displeased them. Christ counters that it wasn’t a command from God, but something Moses permitted them to do because of Israel’s overwhelming sinfulness. But then Christ clarifies that divorce has never been part of God’s plan, and even the allowance of divorce never existed until the time of Moses.
And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9)
This is the buildup that leads to Christ’s statement, and why a gospel written specifically for a Jewish audience is the only one that records it. Christ doesn’t appear to be making an exception for all people at any time. Instead, it seems more likely that He is telling these Jewish people that, because of their own customs, it was sinful for them to continually break engagements and send these women scrambling to find someone else to marry in a society that made it difficult for women to have a livelihood without a husband.
In other words, Christ’s earlier words about “What God has joined together, let no man separate” is how it was always meant to be, and Moses’s permission of divorce in his day was never God’s plan for marriage. Yet on top of that, cultural tradition made it adulterous for these Jewish people to not only sleep with a married woman, but to become engaged to someone whose previous engagement hadn’t ended for reasons other than “sexual immorality” (which, as I discuss at the end of this section, is a different word from “adultery” that is used just a few words later).
To summarize my understanding of Matthew 19:9, adultery is not an exception for divorce. The similar recording in Mark and Luke, written to non-Jewish audiences, makes that clear. The “exception” we see in Matthew is important to read in context, as we see Christ pointing out that breaking a betrothal for anything other than sexual immorality was a sin of conscience through Jewish tradition, not God’s absolute law.
Just as Christ doesn’t abandon His bride because of unfaithfulness, it’s difficult to argue that marriage, the earthly picture of this perfect relationship, should be any different. No matter how painful adultery may be, no matter how lonely it may be to be apart from a spouse, I believe God’s will after adultery is the same as His desire for our own spiritual adultery – the restoration of the relationship and reconciliation with the person we are “one” with.
That’s the beauty of the gospel and our eternal security in Christ. God is faithful and keeps His vows to us, even when we don’t do the same to Him. I believe that’s what marriage, even when it’s broken by unfaithfulness, is meant to reflect.
(As a side note, this understanding of the absolute permanence of marriage helps explain the disciples’ reaction in Matthew 19:10. Why would the disciples be so overwhelmed with their new understanding of marriage if the commitment had certain exceptions which they already thought were true? I believe their shock is best explained by Christ holding marriage to such a high standard.)
(Also of note is that the word used in Matthew for “sexual immorality” is not the same word used just a few words later when he says “adultery.” That leaves us with two options: it’s right for us to get divorced for ANY form of sexual immorality within marriage, possibly including lusting after another person since that commits adultery in our hearts. The other option is that this “sexual immorality” isn’t speaking about adultery in the same sense as we think of a spouse committing adultery. I’ve seen discussions about the word for “sexual immorality” being better translated as “incest,” meaning that God only recognizes marriage as a covenant when it’s a man and woman who aren’t siblings. I’ve also seen suggestions that he uses a different word for cases like Joseph where Mary could have committed a sexually immoral act, but it wouldn’t be considered the same as outright adultery since they weren’t married. I haven’t included them in my discussion because I don’t know enough about Koine Greek to feel comfortable defending the arguments, but Matthew’s choice to use two very different words is still worth noticing.)
Can I divorce and remarry because of abandonment?
While adultery is popularly believed to be grounds for a biblical, God-approved divorce, the idea of divorce and remarriage because an unbelieving spouse leaves their Christian spouse is less widely held. Nevertheless, it’s an important topic to discuss and understand, if only because it gives us an even deeper look into what God expects in our faithfulness to the marriage covenant.
The idea of divorce because of abandonment comes from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians.
Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
The understanding is this: When Paul says we aren’t under “bondage,” he means that God no longer holds us responsible to keep our marriage vows. We are not only free to divorce, but remarry without being adulterous. This is obviously a contradiction to the popular interpretation of Matthew 19:9, saying that only adultery frees us to remarry, but that’s not the only problem this verse presents.
First, let’s look at this in the bigger discussion Paul is having.
But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-16)
Paul’s primary discussion is that becoming a Christian doesn’t mean we divorce our spouse to marry a believer. Rather, we are meant to act as a daily reminder of the gospel to them. They won’t go to Heaven because of us, but many of us know someone who realized the truth of Christ because their spouse spent years preaching to them with their words and their lives. That’s why Paul concludes this discussion with a note of hope for the salvation of an unbelieving spouse.
Yet sandwiched between those two points is the mention of how to handle a spouse who leaves a Christian. Paul uses 2 very important phrases here:
- Not under bondage…
- but God has called us to peace
What makes these so interesting isn’t just their wording, but the fact that they are linked together. Paul is saying that to be “under bondage” to our spouse means we are not living in peace. Likewise, we will live in peace if we don’t allow ourselves to be under this bondage.
Clearly, we need to understand what this “bondage” is, and how it robs us of living in the peace that God desires.
I try to avoid getting into the original languages of the Bible because it can easily become a trap for those who aren’t strongly trained in it (which I am not). However, the word “bondage” has a very specific meaning, and is one that we see translated differently elsewhere. We easily read our own understanding of being bound or obligated to something, often assuming it means we’re free from our marriage responsibilities, yet that’s not how the New Testaments writers to use the word. Instead, this is a word with a very strong meaning.
The Greek root of this word is doulos, which means “enslave.” We see this word elsewhere, and it’s always used in the sense of being lead and controlled by something.
promising them freedom while they themselves are slaves of corruption; for by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved. (2 Peter 2:19)
Were you called while a slave? Do not worry about it; but if you are able also to become free, rather do that. (2 Corinthians 7:21)
knowing this, that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin (Romans 6:6)
But this doesn’t always have negative connotations.
Paul, a bond-servant of Christ Jesus, called as an apostle, set apart for the gospel of God (Romans 1:1)
But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. (Romans 6:17-18)
As believers, we are called to be enslaved to one thing: Jesus Christ. Everything about our lives is controlled by a singular desire to glorify Him. Yet it’s not because we give up our freedoms, because we have never been in control of ourselves. Before Christ, we were slaves to sin, but now we are slaves to righteousness.
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. (Galatians 2:20)
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
Our obedience, and allegiance, belongs to no one and nothing except Jesus Christ. He alone is what matters most, and He is the only one we will give up anything for. Whatever suffering, sacrifice, or persecution may come, we will accept everything with joy if it means we can have Him. To be a follower of Christ is to be a doulos to Him and nothing else.
Now, back to our discussion.
Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Understanding the full weight of the word doulos, we realize that we can easily understand this verse to say “… the brother or the sister is not enslaved in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” (note that this is similar to how the ESV translates this verse). And when we do that, we can get a fuller understanding of what Paul is addressing here. But first, a little more context.
Now concerning the things about which you wrote, … (1 Corinthians 7:1a)
This letter from Paul is a response to a letter this church had originally written to him. Chapter 7, especially, seems to be Paul speaking directly to a series of questions this church had about marriage. It reads almost as a series of bullet points as he addresses a variety of marriage topics.
But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that… (1 Corinthains 7:12a)
This passage we’re discussing is a part of this response. Paul is addressing something this church specifically asked him, yet we have no idea what exactly that original question was. And, unfortunately, we’ll likely never know. Yet what we can do is look at what Paul is saying, understand the context, and get a good idea of what the question was likely about.
Paul is addressing unequal marriages in our passage. It’s clear that one question was about what to do if the unbeliever wanted to stay married. The second question was likely in the same vein, but Paul seems to be speaking to a specific situation.
Whatever question he’s answering, his response is this: you are not called to be a slave to anything but Christ, and living otherwise is not the will of God.
It’s possible Paul is saying not to fight the person who wants to leave, but that doesn’t make sense with being enslaved to them. But here’s something that does make sense: If a spouse is giving you an ultimatum, saying “It’s me or Jesus,” then let them leave. You aren’t called to be a slave to their happiness and desires, nor are you called to battle this person over your faith.
This makes sense with our bigger understanding of marriage being a God-ordained union that isn’t meant to be separated. This understanding of “free from bondage” allows for separation, but is consistent with God’s desire for marriage to be permanent. The “one flesh” isn’t being separated, although the situation is less than ideal because the two aren’t living together.
But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
The idea that God frees us from marriage simply because a spouse leaves is a terrible picture of the gospel and our security in Jesus Christ. Meanwhile, understanding Paul’s practical advice to allow an unbeliever to leave, while still remaining faithful to our marriage covenant, is a much more fitting picture of Christ and the church, as well as our own relationship when Christ calls us back from our wanderings and idolatry.
Answering some important questions
If you’ve made it this far, you likely have some burning “what if” questions. I will try to answer the questions I assume people will ask, but I apologize if there’s something obvious I haven’t considered. This will not go nearly as deeply as everything before this point, but I hope it brings some clarity to some potentially difficult situations.
What if I’m already divorced?
If you and your spouse are considered divorced by the court and are unmarried, I believe God’s desire is for you to reconcile your marriage. The court may recognize you as divorced, but the court is only binding as far as it agrees with God (this is the same argument many would use regarding same-sex marriage). Thus, it seems clear that remarriage isn’t an option.
But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
I understand it may be painful. It may seem impossible. It may even be a situation where reconciliation isn’t possible for many years due to the damage that has been done. Yet God doesn’t call us to have faith in what seems likely, but to have faith in Him. Where we are weak, where things seem impossible, God is there.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him,and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 42:2)
Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
What may seem impossible to us is nothing to God. If reconciliation is His will, we only need to walk in faith. If a life of singleness is His desire for us, then He will give us the grace to remember that He is enough for us.
What if my spouse is deceased?
A spouse passing is a tragic thing. Death was never part of God’s desire for His creation, which is why this separation can be even more painful. Although a person is not required to remarry, the Bible seems to allow for remarriage when the earthly picture of Christ and His church has been broken by death. However, as with any marriage, God expects us to find a spouse who is also a follower of Christ.
A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:39)
What if my spouse has remarried?
This one isn’t nearly as clear, but I think we can still answer it with confidence. The closest situation we see to this actually takes place in the midst of the situation Christ talks about when Moses allowed Israel to divorce because of their overwhelming sinfulness.
“When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God gives you as an inheritance. (Deuteronomy 24:1-4)
Although this was specific to Israel’s situation, it appears that God’s desire is not for spouses to keep bouncing back and forth.
What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? (Romans 6:1-2)
We also know that God doesn’t want us to sin in order to pursue holiness.
Overall, it seems most likely that God desires for people to remain within the marriage they are currently in. If that marriage is the result of unbiblical divorce, then all we can do is glorify God with the situation we find ourselves in right now. God doesn’t give us a lifetime of punishment for mistakes we make, and He often uses those situations to show how incredible He truly is. So if your spouse is remarried, then the reconciliation of 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 is impossible, and thus both spouses are likely freed from their marriage covenant.
What should I do if I already married someone else? Am I living in adultery?
Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery. (Luke 16:18)
Simply put, remarriage after an unbiblical divorce is adultery. But where we are sinful, I believe God extends His unlimited grace and mercy.
If you’ve read this article and recognize that you were involved in an adulterous remarriage, whether because you or your new spouse were still biblically married at the time, just take a breath. It’s something that should be confessed to God, to your new spouse, and possibly to your original spouse (only when it’s clearly appropriate). However, there’s hope.
Christ tells us that the moment of remarriage was adulterous. It could be argued that everything leading up to the marriage, physical or emotional, was also adulterous. However, there’s no indication that the marriage continues in adultery. That moment of marriage took something that rightfully belonged to another, just as the act of kissing or having sex with someone else is adulterous in that moment. However, as with the previous question, it seems that God would recognize the new marriage as 100% legitimate, and thus it seems most likely that He releases all parties from their previous marriages.
So what should be done now? Surrender your current marriage to God and trust that He makes beautiful things in spite of our failures or mistakes. There are likely very few marriages in all of history that didn’t begin with some kind of sin, yet God still uses them mightily. Your marriage may not have started ideally, but God still desires for it to be an earthly picture of the perfect, beautiful union of Christ and His church. It’s not a “lesser” marriage because of how it began, and God desires for both of you to model it after Christ and His bride.
What if I’m in an abusive marriage?
Leave. Get safe. Tell someone and take every reasonable step to get you and your children out of danger.
However, despite the obvious need for separation, even if it’s permanent, it seems clear that God still views the marriage as valid, and thus would not desire for divorce or remarriage.
But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
Just realize that there is a massive difference between remaining faithful to the marriage covenant, and remaining in a dangerous or abusive situation. The road to reconciliation may be long and emotionally painful. Reconciliation may not even be part of God’s plan. However, that doesn’t’ mean the marriage is dissolved while it’s still possible for God to bring your spouse to repentance and restore the marriage relationship. God takes His worst enemies and makes them His children – pray that He will do the same for your spouse while you stay safe and wise in how to handle the situation.
But, again, please realize that God never once calls for a spouse (or their children) to remain in danger in order to maintain their faithfulness.
What if I don’t love my spouse or I’m unhappy in my marriage?
This is a common reason for divorce today. So much so, that this reasoning has crept its way into the hearts and minds of God’s people. However, if we understand marriage through a biblical worldview, it’s clear that the purpose of marriage isn’t to make us happy. Marriage is designed to reflect our relationship with Christ, and God has given us our spouse to help us grow closer to our Savior.
Our goal as Christians isn’t to be happy. Our love for our spouse isn’t a feeling they give us, but a choice we make in how we treat them. If your situation is safe, even if it’s unpleasant, rest in the strength and comfort of Jesus Christ as you desire to place Him in the center of a difficult situation. Find joy and satisfaction in Christ above all else, and you’ll be able to extend that to whatever situation you find yourself in.
Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)
Remain married to the glory of God. Treat your spouse with undeserved love and favor to the glory of God. Live every area of your life, especially your marriage, to His glory.
Final thoughts
At the end of all of this, it may seem like I’ve chosen a heartless, mean, or unsympathetic way to view divorce and remarriage. My understanding of God’s desire for us essentially boils down to “God never permits divorce. If reconciliation is possible, even if it seems impossible, any remarriage will be adulterous.” That goes against what many Christians in America teach today, and even many conservative celebrity pastors would disagree with my conclusions.
I hope it’s clear that my understanding is based not only on a selection of verses, but the entirety of what we see in the Bible, as well as trying to understand marriage and divorce in light of God’s character. My greatest desire is to be faithful to God’s word, and to let that inform my understanding of the world around me.
I don’t want people to be unhappy in their marriages. I want everyone to have a partner they can serve God with, sharpening one another every day. I want all marriages to be a beautiful reflection of God’s greatest example of love and faithfulness through Christ and the church. It’s difficult to tell someone that, despite the world saying they’re divorced, pursuing another marriage while their spouse is alive and unmarried is adulterous.
And, if I’m honest, it grieves me that there are people who may be hurt or angry about what I’ve written in this article. There’s no doubt that the word “legalistic” may come to mind. Odds are good that people in my own life may be upset by how I understand God’s word.
However, how we feel about something can’t be how we determine truth. In the past, I’ve genuinely tried to rationalize divorce in a way that agrees with the popular understanding, but in the end I just can’t understand how God can allow the separation of something He has specifically said no one should separate. I can’t find a way to tell married couples that their union is a picture of Christ and the church, yet at the same time try to argue that marriages can end through unfaithfulness while we can never lose our salvation, despite how unfaithful and idolatrous we often are.
In the end, all I can do is attempt to be faithful to what I see in God’s word, regardless of anything else. I hope this very lengthy discussion has shown my desire to do that. Yet if someone disagrees with me, I hope I’ve at least given a number of areas they need to consider as they counsel themselves and others in how to think about marriage and the painful topic of divorce.
After all of that, I want to end this discussion on a note of hope. Let’s praise God for His unlimited, undeserved faithfulness to us. Despite our wandering, idolatry, and outright adultery as we try to find satisfaction in everything except Him, our great God doesn’t let us go.
The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
Very well articulated. Good Biblical exegesis. I also hold to this conclusion after much Biblical study on the subject.