Wake up. Go to work. Come home. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
This is the Monday-Friday pattern of the average American, and over time it becomes a steady, though monotonous, routine. After 8-10 hours at work, exhaustion sets in and we’re ready for the day to be over. But then we check the mail and get a bill we don’t want to see, we realize our spouse didn’t go to the store, and the kids didn’t clean up their mess again. So we stomp, yell, clam up, or feel quite sorry for ourselves. This, too, is our typical weekly routine, but is this what our family deserves?
Prioritizing lower priorities
It’s easy to let our coworkers, friends, and fellow churchgoers get the best side of us. We put in the effort to present ourselves well, work out problems with calm and patience, and don’t find ourselves needing to repent of too much sin when it comes to people outside our home. Sometimes it’s an act, but often we genuinely do want to honor Christ through how we interact with others.
Yet if we’re honest, most of us don’t put in the same effort with those who are more important than friends and coworkers. How often do we strive to love our family, displaying Christ more than we show our own sinful selves? There’s a certain comfort that comes with being at home, allowing us to be vulnerable and honest. Yet too often that comfort can turn into tyranny, using our family as a means of venting our frustrations about the day, or life in general.
We know it’s not fair to them, yet we rarely have to confront ourselves with what we’re truly doing. After all, it’s our routine. We are accustomed to coming home and feeling like we need to yell, criticize, or silently harbor resentment. Likewise, our families have no choice but to make it their routine to expect an increase in hostility, perhaps to the point where our families silently dread us walking through the door.
Putting away more than toys
Let us consider what God tells us about this routine:
You must put away every kind of bitterness, anger, wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. (Ephesians 4:31)
What do all of these look like at home?
Bitterness
We quietly hold in resentment and frustration, pushing it down while repeating “I’m fine” to whoever asks. Perhaps we adopt a “martyr complex,” feeling like we have to take on the weight of the world because no one else will. Bitterness is a slow-burning flame, sitting for years and slowly burning out our joy.
Anger
This is a louder version of bitterness. We stomp around, make biting remarks, yell to make ourselves feel better (rather than teaching or encouraging change). Like bitterness, anger is something that can sit in our hearts for years, and it often results in regularly sinning against others.
Wrath
Like a meteor about to strike a planet, we build up bitterness and anger to the point of wanting to let it explode all at once. We throw things, scream ugly words, and perhaps even physically threaten or harm those around us.
Quarreling
We constantly look for a fight. Sometimes we assume the worst in others, always feeling like we need to defend ourselves against any hint of criticism. Other times we’re the provokers, pointing out things our kids or spouse has done wrong simply so we can feel better about letting them know we’re unhappy.
Evil
This could be translated as “evil intent,” and speaks to our outward actions toward others. This can take on an infinite amount of forms, from not cleaning up after others so they’ll “learn their lesson,” all the way to abusing our power by witholding things from those who upset us. The best way to identify evil intent is by asking ourselves “Am I taking this action to honor Christ, or to make myself feel better?”
Slanderous talk
This is often seen as gossip, yet it takes on a far more sinister form within the walls of our home. The point of slanderous talk is to tear a person down, dehumanize them, and elevate ourselves by hurting someone. This can happen with parents speaking to one another, but far more often it happens within our own minds. We grumble, criticize, and attack our family without uttering a word because we say it all to ourselves. By speaking about them out of anger, we start to assume our thoughts represent reality. We make a mental monster out of those we love.
Making a change, today
I imagine all of us are guilty of at least one of these. Likewise, I’m sure many of us have a shorter list of which ones don’t apply. But how do we disrupt this sinful routine that doesn’t glorify God or show our families the joy and peace of a person who has been redeemed by Christ? What steps can we take to put these away, and put on a Christ-honoring relationship with our family?
Ask for forgiveness
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)
When we realize our weakness, seeing how we’ve sinned against a holy God, we realize our need for forgiveness. Although we can never be separated from God, our choices still create a temporary rift, and God needs to deal with us as the loving father He is. By confessing our sin to Him, we recognize our inability to rely on our own power to kill sin.
Instead, be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)
Many of us have spent years hurting our family. Wanting to change is wonderful, but change without humility simply won’t stick. Just as we need to humble ourselves before God, we also need to approach our family with humility and brokenness. Not with the attitude of “I’m sorry I yell, but I just get so mad when I come home and the living room is dirty” and instead say to them “I know I’ve sinned with my anger. I’ve [fill in the blank with specific ways we’ve sinned] and been a poor example of Christ. Will you forgive me?”
From a posture of humility and seeking forgiveness, we are able to start killing these sins we’ve held for years.
Find joy in Christ
I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me—and I in him—bears much fruit, because apart from me you can accomplish nothing… I have told you these things so that my joy may be in you, and your joy may be complete. (John 15:5, 11)
Though beyond the scope of this article, our anger is rarely our root issue. Instead, it’s the fruit of our true problem of trying to find joy apart from Christ. We want to live a certain life, have our family behave a certain way, and for everything to be just how we want it. When we don’t get what we want, we channel our inner toddler and get angry.
Yet here we are reminded that Christ is enough. He is sufficient to save from sin, to comfort us in our weakness, and to supply all our joy. When we start finding satisfaction in Christ alone, regardless of our paycheck, health, or the cleanliness of our home, we find a source of joy that cannot fail.
Choose joy, even when we don’t feel like it
Instead of being motivated by selfish ambition or vanity, each of you should, in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself. (Philippians 2:3)
Many of us make sacrifices for our family. Whether it’s money we’d like to use on ourselves or time spent attending activities with them, we know the joy that comes with giving up what we want for those we care about. Everything in Ephesians 4:31 is a choice we make, and in our sinfulness we often choose whatever we think will make us happy in the moment, even though we may hate it at the same time.
In all situations, we choose to love ourselves or love Christ. To sin against others is to put our anger or bitterness above them. When we choose not to put away sin, we tell ourselves that holding on to it will generate some kind of comfort or happiness.
There may be times where we are on fire for Christ and it’s easy to find joy in Him over sin. Far more often, however, our love for Christ grates against our desire to pursue sin. There is great comfort in knowing that, in those moments, we don’t need to be strong. Instead, all we must do is humble ourselves before God and see our need to rely on Christ even more.
But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
