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Take a moment and ask yourself this question: what is the goal of a parent? That’s no simple question because the answer is rooted in our worldview. For any parent willing to be honest, there are many days where the goal is “just survive today.” However, our goal sets the course for everything we do to shape and guide these little lives that God has put under our care. Today, I’d like to share and explain my own goal as a parent.
The source of the question
Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)
This is one of the most familiar verses in parenting. It’s the promise that many cling to regarding their child’s salvation, and it’s one that causes great frustration when a child leaves the faith. Yet there’s more going on here than just salvation.
This verse warns us about the worldview we are creating for our children. Whatever we get them to believe about how the world operates will stick with them forever. If we teach them they get whatever they want in the world, they will grow up entitled. If we teach them that love is mixed with abuse, they will grow up seeking someone to love them that way.
Their understanding of identity, conflict resolution, purpose, sources of truth, and where they fit in the world is set by how we train them. They come into the world knowing nothing, and whatever they understanding about this crazy world is a result of what they’re taught, whether by us or anyone else willing to form their worldview.
Over the years, I’ve learned to take this huge verse and distill it down to one question. This question has guided nearly every parenting decision I’ve made, no matter how small. So regardless of what comes up with the kids, I simply ask myself:
What sort of adult will this create?
This question and Bible verse show my goal as a parent. It’s not to survive my kids, be their friends, or even make them happy. My goal is to make functional, wise, humble, mature adults who understand the weight of sin and their daily need for Jesus Christ. That’s why God commanded Israel to teach their children about God daily, creating a worldview that taught the truth of God:
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)
A whole new worldview
By making it my priority to set them up for success as followers of Christ, parenting decisions take on completely different results. Suddenly, everything becomes a teaching opportunity because even small things can create long-term ripples. It also forces me to choose between whether I want what’s best for me now or what’s best for them as adults.
If this concept seems complicated or anxiety-inducing, don’t worry. It becomes natural, even easy, because it is always motivated by a love and concern for some of our favorite people in the world. Focusing on the adults we’re making gives purpose to each day because one-time situations or long-term habits are all a part of what will make eventually make them a certain type of employee, spouse, friend, parent, and follower of Christ. And out of our deep love for them, we want that future person to be one who honors God in all they do.
My kids, your examples
Of course, real-world examples always help. I’d like to briefly look at each of my 4 kids, taking the question “What sort of adult will this make?” and showing how my wife and I have applied it to some big moments in their development. Some of these are situations that, without their future in mind, we may have done nothing about. I hope this will show not only why the question is so important, but why focusing on the adults we’re creating is a way to serve and honor God through the little lives He’s entrusted to us.
(As a side note: I asked my older kids permission to share this)
Emma, the 11-year-old boss
Emma is probably a typical oldest child. She’s smart, independent, and willing to take the lead. She has always been willing to help her younger brother follow the rules and stay in line. Of course, you all know that eventually led to being bossy and controlling as she dominated most of her time with her brother.
What sort of adult will that create?
When dealing with this, I actually had to consider both of my kids. For Emma, it was teaching her two dangerous things:
- How to control people with a weaker willpower than her own
- How to treat a male she loves who is at her peer level
Without intervention, Emma was learning to be a manipulative friend and a dominating wife. Likewise, my son was learning that people he loves have permission to control him and that he should look for a wife who would likely be a bit of a bully.
We had to deal with her pride that made her think her way was the best way, and that satisfying herself was the path to happiness. She had to see that having the best ideas or the more dominant personality didn’t mean others were any less valuable or important when making decisions. If the adult we were creating was filled with pride and a need for control, we saw the need to instill humility and a love for others over herself.
Max, the 9-year-old gamer
Today, there’s almost no end to the media we can consume. Things like YouTube and the App Store are bottomless, offering people limitless amounts of distraction. And although most of us saw the world shift in that direction over the decades, our children are born into it. Specifically, my kids have inherited my digital video game collection, filled with hundreds of games I’ve purchased and acquired for free over the years.
Although we have limits on electronics, I started noticing that my son was wildly unfocused in his consumption. He wouldn’t finish YouTube videos, and he would be moving through 6 or 7 different video games throughout the week, never getting involved and often just abandoning them in favor of something new.
What sort of adult will that create?
Here are the patterns I saw developing:
- He wasn’t learning to push through things when they became difficult. If he gave up on something entertaining, why would I expect him to stick with something that matters?
- He didn’t have contentment with what he had, instead always looking for that next thing to satisfy him. This was an issue of loyalty as well as mounting idolatry.
- He had no goals. He didn’t take part in YouTube or video games to see something through to completion, but instead just wanted a mindless distraction.
Thus, we had to reorient his outlook on media to help him see the ongoing problems this would create, and from there we set some ground rules.
Although this has shifted over the years as his tastes have changed and he’s continued to mature, the rule that has stuck is this: he can only have 3 video games on his plate at once time, and he has to beat one before starting another. This teaches him the value of having a handful of enjoyable things to avoid burnout, the importance of pushing through difficult things, and the satisfaction of finishing what he starts.
Julianna, the 3-year-old Daddy’s girl
This is the first kid I’ve had with the superpower of sensing when my lap is open. She always wants to snuggle, play, read books, and anything else that lets her do something with Daddy. And I love it. Most of the time.
Of course, I can’t always sit and snuggle for 30 minutes with 10-minute breaks in between. Often, I need to accomplish other things after we’ve hung out for a bit. But sometimes, honestly, I may not want to. 3-year-olds are wiggly, don’t keep up deep conversations, and are rarely thankful for the time we set aside for them. So while I love spending time with my girl, she doesn’t always get the Daddy time she wants.
What sort of adult will this create?
When my girl wants to spend time with me, I have two very different things I’m always keeping in mind. The first is what I, as her father, teach her about the world through our relationship.
- I tell her how open and willing her dad is to receive her when she wants love, or just needs someone special to be with her for a few moments
- I teach her how her husband should show affection, gentleness, and concern for her
- I’m her earthly example of the openness and love our Heavenly Father has for His children
With that, it’s so tempting to give her all the attention all the time. And Julianna is so sweet and gentle that it’s an easy thing to do. However, there is another thing I’m always keeping in mind.
- It’s easy to learn dependence on others when she’s bored, and I want her to learn independent play and entertainment so she doesn’t have to compromise anything when faced with the choice of “being around harmful people” or “being alone”
- I want her to learn how to accept not getting what she wants, even if what she wants is a good thing (or in the case of snuggling Daddy, possibly one of the best things!) because an important part of self-control is learning self-denial
It’s a difficult balance to maintain, and one that I often do too much one way or the other. However, in time things will balance out and teach her about love and affection without her becoming dependent on them.
Adelina, the 1-year-old enemy of gravity
Admittedly, there’s not a lot to teach kids before the age of two. Most of it is centered on teaching them relationships, safety, and the basic rules of the house. However, as soon as babies can start crawling they will inevitably start getting hurt. Whether it’s face-planting into the carpet or pulling a cup of water on their head, kids always find a way to make themselves cry.
What sort of adult will this create?
One thing we learned with our oldest is that kids don’t often know why they cry. It’s a natural reaction that is certainly useful to let us know if they’re in danger. However, so often they learn to cry at almost any instance, regularly doing so when they are perfectly fine. This isn’t something they grow out of, but instead they just shift it to new thinking. If they learn that any difficulty, shock, or pain is negative, then they will grow up thinking that those things are to be avoided. They may start enjoying being victims, relishing the attention they get when they start crying and adults flock to them in concern. Although there’s a long journey between a 1-year-old learning to crawl and a 20-year-old begging for attention, learning when to stop the behavior as a parent isn’t nearly as clear.
To combat this, we cheer when our baby gets hurt.
That sounds horrible, but it’s really not. Whenever she falls, we turn all our attention to her and make sure she’s safe an uninjured. However, instead of displaying our concern, we will say things like “Woooooah!” in a high, laughing voice while we smile. This serves several purposes.
- It heads off her innate reaction to get upset, only crying out of necessity instead of emotion
- It encourages her to critically evaluate her situation and whether she should cry when people around her are smiling and speaking happily to her
- It teaches her that failure is okay, perhaps even fun, and her family is always there when it happens
- It gives greater meaning to our comfort, letting her know she can rely on us to comfort her when she’s hurt or truly upset
By turning a fall or surprise into something we smile about, everyone can better know how serious a situation really is. She learns to know herself and how to react, meanwhile her family doesn’t worry about false tears, crying for attention, or serious injuries being ignored because everything is met with crying.
An eye on the future
Every situation is different, with each decision requiring us to stick to our goal of creating adults who will serve God well, not just kids who are happy now. Parenting is a tricky thing, and what works for us may not work as well for others. However, focusing on the adults we’re creating gives a deeper purpose to parenting, opens up moments for teaching and instruction, and creates a fuller appreciation for the course we’re setting them on.
