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What does the Bible say about sex? Are there things that married couples aren’t allowed to do? Is sex purely for creating children or satisfying a husband’s needs, meaning that it’s sinful to explore or experiment with new pleasures and sensations? These are questions many couples have, and it’s important for us to make sure we honor God in the bedroom. So let’s see what God says on the subject.
(This article will obviously be dealing with sexual subject matter, so take care where you read this)
God hates all but 1?
For many, this conversation may seem silly. After all, why would God care what we do with our spouse? Yet there’s a fairly convincing teaching that many haven’t considered, and one that can easily lead us astray if we don’t consider the topic deeply.
In conservative circles, there’s a certain stigma about sex between a husband and wife. Throughout church history, there has been a belief that “missionary position,” where the woman is on her back and the husband is stomach-to-stomach with her, is the only sex that honors God. In fact, they can even point to the Bible to support their argument.
For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. (Ephesians 5:23)
What does this have to do with sex? Thomas Aquinas, back in the 1200s, clarified with this statement:
“These species are differentiated on the part of the woman rather than of the man, because in the venereal act the woman is passive and is by way of matter, whereas the man is by way of agent…”
In other words, the man is meant to be the leader everywhere, including during sex, while the woman is meant to follow. They would argue that God is most glorified in how he established marriage by sticking to the only sex position that accurately reflects the order He created within marriage. Others would point out that, by how our bodies are designed, it’s clear that we were naturally designed for this single position.
By that same token, it’s believed that any experimentation between a husband and wife dishonors God. Anything outside of the most functional position is purely designed to feed a man or woman’s lusts, something we’re often warned against indulging. Engaging in sexual acts purely for their pleasure is selfish and carnal, not at all lead by a desire to follow God.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)
At first, this position seems to have some merit. Our lives are meant to be a pursuit of serving and honoring Christ. If He established the husband to lead the wife, then it only follows that it’s against that design for a wife to be the leader in the bedroom, or for sex to be carried out without the husband being literally “over” his wife. Likewise, we are called to come out from the world and kill our fleshly desires, yet seeking sexual acts purely for their enjoyment is completely opposite of that.
But as Solomon reminds us, everything sounds right when you stop at one argument.
The first to plead his case seems right, until another comes and examines him. (Proverbs 18:17)
What else is said?
It’s always important that we get our understanding of God from the entirety of the Bible, not just taking a single verse and extrapolating an entire teaching from it (especially when that teaching isn’t explicitly taught in the verse!). Fortunately for this discussion, the Bible doesn’t hesitate to directly speak on the subject of sex. Not only that, but God gives us a principle that can easily guide us during every second we spend with our spouse.
Song of Solomon
First of all, the least-preached book of the Bible is all about a husband and wife enjoying one another. If we believe that Song of Solomon was inspired by God, then we must acknowledge that God has given us an entire book that focuses on sexual and emotional love. Sex in this book isn’t just functional, but enjoyable and something both people look forward to.
Sex is to be protected
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)
Of course, we aren’t free to simply pursue whatever sexual gratification we desire. Within the bedroom, we are still called to honor God. However, we honor it as we honor all aspects of marriage – as a beautiful picture of Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:25-27).
In Hebrews, God is calling us to keep the bedroom pure and then gives us fornicators and adulterers of examples of those who don’t. In other words, this verse shows that God wants the bedroom kept free of things like swinging, pre-marital sex, extra-marital sex, any form of pornography, picturing others in our minds, and whatever else introduces someone outside of the husband and wife. No other restrictions seem to be in place, yet those restrictions we do have are incredibly important because of what marriage represents.
Meant for both spouses to enjoy
There’s a popular idea in our culture that the amount of sex a couple has in their first year of marriage is more than they’ll have for the rest of their marriage years combined. It’s become a joke that women are burdened with a husband’s desire for sex, and if she’s feeling generous she may give it to him once or twice a week. Yet that attitude is completely against God’s desire for us.
But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)
What do we learn from this passage?
- Sex protects us from immorality
- Sex is only between a husband and wife
- It’s a spouse’s duty to satisfy their partner
- A spouse’s body “belongs” to the other
- Sex is to be regular and consistent
Sex isn’t meant to be a drudgery, but something celebrated and desired! Notice the language here. There’s a clear assumption that both the husband and wife should desire sex regularly, and that their spouse cannot deprive them of it. It doesn’t surprise us for men, but what would make a woman enjoy sex enough that her husband would have to be reminded that it’s his duty to satisfy her?
Simply put, each spouse is meant to bring pleasure to the other. Like eating their favorite food or reading a good book, our goal is to make sex so enjoyable for our partner that they will ask for it regularly. We can only do that by getting to know them, learning what they do and don’t like, and making their sexual satisfaction our goal and desire, not our own gratification.
This goes beyond our culture’s selfish view of sex. It goes beyond the idea that sex is an unfortunate part of marriage. It makes the bedroom a way that we serve and love our spouse, exploring and focusing on them because we love them.
One question that guides the bedroom
It’s clear that sex is meant to be thoroughly enjoyed in its proper context. Yet that doesn’t necessarily answer common questions about specific acts in the bedroom. So when we are focused on bringing our spouse pleasure, or they want to know what it is we’d like, how do we know what’s allowed?
For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. (Galatians 5:13)
One thing we often forget is that our spouse is, first of all, our brother or sister in Christ. Thus, everything in the Bible that generally applies to how we treat Christians will always apply to them. So when we consider how we interact with a child of God in the bedroom, our primary concern should be the same as we have for how we treat anyone else.
So when we have questions about the bedroom, we need only ask ourselves one question: Is this thing going to love, respect, and honor them?
And that question will have very different answers for everyone. A man or woman who was sexually abused may be radically uncomfortable with certain acts, while those same acts may be enjoyed by other couples. Likewise, someone who grew up very sexually active may feel the need to be more open and varied in the bedroom compared to someone who saved everything for their wedding day.
Of course, just because almost everything is allowed doesn’t mean we deserve to have it. A large part of loving others is self-denial. If our spouse wants to try something, we should make every effort to accommodate them because we love them. However, we also need to realize that our spouse may not want to do everything we enjoy, whether because it makes them uncomfortable or because they tried it and don’t want to do so again. If our focus and motivation is on serving them more than ourselves, then our love for them will lead us to let go of things we may otherwise enjoy.
In the end, there are very few restrictions for the bedroom. As long as it’s between a husband and wife, the only concern is whether the things we want to do are loving and serving our spouse. If our greatest satisfaction in the bedroom is found in our spouse’s pleasure instead of our own, then we honor God by enjoying the good gift He’s given us.
