Our words have a profound impact on our relationship with our spouse. Not just the words we say to them, but the things we say about them. What we say about our spouse tells everyone who they truly are. It tells our spouse how they measure up, it tells other people what to think of them, and most importantly it shapes our own view of the person we spend the majority of our lives with. One of the best ways to love that person is through words we say about them, even if they aren’t around to hear them.
Words of praise for our spouse
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)
And the tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue is set among our members as that which defiles the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life, and is set on fire by hell. (James 3:6)
It’s amazing how much impact our words have on another person. Words have led people to end their lives, and words have been the only thing that have saved a life. Our words carry great power because our words reveal our heart. And when we speak to our spouse, we’re telling them where our heart is at.
The only way we can desire to build them up is if our primary goal is to love them over ourselves. We may not feel like praising them at a particular moment. Perhaps they’ve done something that drives us crazy, or we’re just in a bad mood and don’t want to put in the effort. We can come up with countless reasons why we don’t want to praise them, let alone speak kindly.
However, Christians are called to love one another, building each other up. It can be easy to forget that our spouse not only qualifies as “one another,” but they may be the most important Christian relationship we have. Not only must we resist the desire to tear them down, but out of love for Christ we must likewise use our words to build them up.
How can we do this?
- Build them up every day. Whether it’s commenting on how nice they look, complimenting something they’ve been working on, or just thanking them in general for what they do every day.
- Start looking for praiseworthy things. After several years, it can be easy to fall into a routine. But when we look at them with fresh eyes, we can quickly start finding new ways to appreciate them.
- Ask for ways to pray for them. We start becoming attuned to our spouse’s needs, but it’s easy to forget that they have things going on in their hearts that even we don’t see. By praying for them, we are better able to support their weaknesses and love their strengths even more.
Craft a loving image for others
A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends. (Proverbs 16:28)
When we speak about our spouse to others, whether friends or our children, we give them permission to view our spouse in a certain way. Like paint on a stained glass window, what we say about our spouse affects how others view them. If we talk about how lazy or inconsiderate they are, we tell others to think of them that way. Wherever we find dissatisfaction, others will as well. And often, that’s just how we like it.
One of the biggest reasons gossip and slander are problematic isn’t because we talk about someone when they aren’t around, but why we do it. There are certainly times when we’re seeking wise, godly counsel that we need to divulge some things that cast our spouse in a negative light. However, that’s rarely the motivation behind what we say about them.
Far more often, if we’re honest, we talk about them so that we can feel better. We want others to nod their heads in sympathy or shared outrage, letting us know we’re justified in our feelings of anger, resentment, or jealousy. We want to tear them down to make ourselves feel better.
Loving our spouse, and wanting what’s best for them, will lead us to speak well of them. We won’t want others to have a two-dimensional view of them, seeing all their negatives because that’s the image we provide. Likewise, a loving heart leaves no room for attacking them for our own selfish needs.
(Quick note: There are certainly times to bring up a spouse’s sin to others. Issues such as walking in unrepentant sin, or cases of abuse where people need to be taken to safety, are much different from what we’re talking about)
Self-talk is the best talk
Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world (Phillippians 2:14-15)
What we choose to think about our spouse has a significant impact on what we say to them and others. Our inner thoughts are the best determiner of our heart’s condition. It’s those thoughts that will shape every other word about them, silent or spoken.
If we are choosing to see the negatives, whether it’s their level of cleanliness or how often they do things we want them to do, then we start complaining to ourselves about them. Sometimes it’s something obvious like “I can’t believe they walked through the house with wet shoes” or more subtle like “I guess I’ll be cleaning the floors again because people can’t keep them clean.” Whatever route we choose to go, the end result is internal grumbling that inevitably leads to vocalizing it to them or others.
However, if our heart is set on loving them, we find it easier to see those same actions in a very different light. We choose to forgive, sacrificing our own desires for righteous indignation or the need to tear them down to feel better. The things we say to ourselves are spoken in love, knowing we’re both sinners in need of constant grace.
It all starts and ends with Christ
Much of this boils down to one thing: our heart. If we are choosing to love our spouse, our words and thoughts will follow. If we’re focused on ourselves and how we were wronged or why we deserve better, then it becomes apparent to ourselves and others.
Yet choosing good doesn’t come from our own power. To truly love someone requires sacrifice, and the grace needed to sacrifice like that doesn’t come from our wicked hearts. Only Christ, the true demonstration of loving sacrifice, can enable us to love as He does. Only Christ can take our cold, selfish hearts and transform them into something utterly foreign to the world.
Our primary relationship is with our spouse. Yet that relationship doesn’t belong to us, but to Christ. When we are seeking to serve Christ above all, then we will naturally love serving Him through our marriage. We will want to think well of our spouse because it brings God glory. We’ll want to vocalize our thoughts not just out of love for them, but ultimately because that person is a good gift from God. And when God gives us a good gift, and we treasure it, what more can we desire except to tell others about it?
The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. (Luke 6:45)
