In Part 1 we looked at the three ways we let anger poison our marriages. We saw that anger can take on many forms, but that all of them work to undermine and hurt our relationship with our spouse. Now let’s talk about one common reason we fight, and how that knowledge can finally end fighting in our marriages.
Selfishness and giant egos
Whether we let our anger our in fits of rage, bitterly stay quiet, or use small words and actions to regularly chip away at our spouse, it can be tempting to think we just need to change that behavior and we’ll be fine. We think that we should just replace our negative behaviors with positive ones. Perhaps we need to learn some coping techniques so we can learn to react more positively.
Those things are fine, but limited. They let us modify our behavior, but they do nothing to touch our hearts. And our hearts, the core of who we truly are, is our greatest issue.
What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. (James 4:1-2)
In other words, we get angry when others don’t give us what we want. We think we deserve something, and they are denying us what is clearly our right to have. We get angry at others because they stand in the way of what we believe will make us happy.
It’s tempting to fight against accepting this. We insist that we aren’t that selfish, and we can come up with plenty of situations where we were angry without feeling like we were entitled. After all, to accept that we get angry because we aren’t getting what we want makes us sound like a child throwing a fit at the grocery store. There’s no way we could be that immature, right?
But stop and think about why people actually fight. For the thousands of reasons one spouse may be angry at another, there are one of two things happening:
- “My spouse is doings something I don’t like”
- “My spouse isn’t doing what I want”
What is the focus here, if not ourselves? Our wants and desires aren’t being catered to. We call our spouse selfish for doing things we don’t want them to do. We are angry because what we want isn’t matching what’s actually happening.
Why are we fighting? Because our desires are waging war within us. Just like James says.
We deserve better than them
In the end, that same child who throws a fit at the grocery store has the same heart as an adult who yells at their spouse for the house being dirty. The child isn’t just angry about not getting a candy bar, but that they don’t have a parent who will buy it for them. And it’s not just that we think we deserve a clean house, but that we deserve to have a spouse who will provide it for us. We deserve better than what we have in our current situation.
We deserve better than our spouse. And we’re angry that they aren’t what we deserve.
If we let that sink in, we get a glimpse into how depraved we truly are. It’s not about the bank account, the size of the house, or that we like them surprising us with love notes or special gifts. Deep down, we’re angry at them. They aren’t what we deserve, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
So we’re angry because our desires aren’t being met. Yet it’s often not the situation we’re angry at, but the person we blame for our life not being what we want. We may blame them directly, but more often we are angry or bitter without realizing that it’s because we hold them responsible for delivering us the life we want.
Anger and idolatry
Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. For it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them. (Colossians 3:5-7)
Anger, when we get right down to it, is all about idolatry. Idolatry isn’t just bowing before a wooden statue, but about putting our hope and satisfaction in something other than God, the only one who can truly satisfy. We look to things in the world to save us from unhappiness, and in that way we worship them.
We are convinced we deserve certain things in life, and that having them would make us truly satisfied. We get angry when we don’t receive them, and often that anger is directed at people we think should give us those things, but don’t. We are angry because we are denied our idols.
If we acknowledge the truth of this in our lives, then we know what sort of heart produces this kind of thinking. We are elevating our own happiness above all else, centering our lives around those things that will make us happy. Our hearts are filled with pride at how important we must be, and selfishness at the ability to be angry or bitter at anyone who would threaten the happiness of someone so important.
Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness? (Romans 6:16)
When our idolatry leads us to anger, bitterness, or biting words, we aren’t walking as children of God. We aren’t the humble servants of Christ who have received underserved grace and mercy that freed us from being slaves to sin. We are no different than those who are still slaves to sin, completely incapable of pursuing God and living holy lives.
In those times, we don’t see our marriage as an offering to Christ, meant to bring Him glory. We don’t want to mirror the beautiful image of Christ and His church. Instead, our marriage is all about us and our happiness. We replace Christ and set ourselves up as the object of worship and glory.
That’s why we fight. But how do we stop?
Ending anger in a marriage
The more we are broken by the weight of our sin, the more hope we can find. As we see the depth of our selfish hearts, we see the great lengths Christ must go to if He is going to give us a marriage that points to Him. By seeing how incapable we are of removing idolatry from our marriage, the more we see our need for a Savior who has already conquered sin in our place.
The good news is that sin in a marriage is no different than sin anywhere else in our lives. The bad news is that this sin must be dealt with in the exact same way, and it completely goes against everything our sin nature loves.
First, Identify idols.
For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures. (Romans 1:21-23)
Whether our idols are physical or not, the heart that worships idols is always the same. We give glory and honor to those things that we say will ultimately satisfy us. It’s what we put our trust in to save us – not just from sin as we trust Jesus Christ, but saving us from whatever we see as our greatest problems. Often, what we want to be saved from is unhappiness, and thus we give honor and glory to money, attractiveness, material goods, a clean house, and anything else we’re convinced will save us from unhappiness. After all, when we make ourselves more important than God, what choice do we have but to focus on what we want?
When we’re identifying our idols, in our marriage or anywhere else Brad Bigney has three questions we can ask ourselves:
- Am I willing to sin to get this potential idol?
- Am I willing to sin if I think I’m going to lose it?
- Do I use it as a comfort and refuge instead of turning to God?
If we can answer yes to any of these things, we’ve taken the first step in identifying our idol.
Second, repent and ask forgiveness
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)
Once we know what we’ve turned into a false god, we must ask for forgiveness from both God and the people we’ve sinned against. Admitting we’re wrong is difficult because we must admit that we acted imperfectly. Asking for forgiveness magnifies this because we aren’t just admitting we were wrong, but giving power to someone else to decide whether our relationship is going to be mended from the damage we caused.
Talking to God about our sin is something we’re accustomed to. We approached Him with humility on the day of our salvation, and we hopefully do it regularly as we continually sin against Him. However, doing the same thing with other people can be so much more difficult simply because our culture is based around our power to say “sorry” rather than giving power to someone else by asking them for forgiveness.
In both settings, how we handle our sin will look similar.
- We acknowledge our specific sin (which we’ve already discovered through our series of questions)
- We ask the person to forgive us
- If necessary, we discuss steps to remove that temptation from returning
It’s important to talk to God and those we’ve hurt. We’re tempted to just regret our sin and tell ourselves we won’t do it again. Yet the more we’re broken by the reality of our sin, the more we see a need to not only repent and turn away from loving that sin, but we see the need to fix what we’ve broken.
Third, set our minds on things above
Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:1-3)
We were designed to be creatures who must worship something. If we are turning away from sin, we must turn to something else. Otherwise we’ll either fall back to an old sin, or we’ll replace that sin with something brand new and equally idolatrous. This is why we need Jesus Christ.
When we are our greatest focus, we seek to serve ourselves. Our purpose in life revolves around pleasing ourselves. We gauge success and failure based on how happy we are.
Yet when we stop making ourselves the focus of our worship and instead turn to Christ, things radically change. We now seek to serve and Him. Our purpose is to please our Savior. We gauge our success and failure based on whether we’re living our lives focused on Him or ourselves.
The fact that we live a life of worship doesn’t change. But when we’re “setting our eyes on things above,” we experience a life that is so different from the lives of those who focus on the world. We see that those things that make us angry and bitter are so insignificant when compared to the glorious majesty of Jesus Christ. We see our spouse not as someone designed to fulfill our needs, but as a good gift from God meant to serve alongside us as we dedicate our marriage to glorifying our Lord.
When we set our eyes on Christ, we see that He offers hope and satisfaction far beyond the idols we once chased.
Fourth, seek to serve instead of being served
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)
With or without Christ, a common piece of marriage counseling advice is for each person to do nice things for the other. The difference is that without Christ, this is still done out of self-interest. We do nice things in order to make our own lives go better.
Yet if our minds are set on Christ, then our need to serve ourselves continues to diminish. When we aren’t centered on ourselves, we can adopt Christ’s example of serving others. We don’t just act like people are more important than us – through a loving heart of sacrifice that can only be generated through the Holy Spirit, we can genuinely regard our spouse as more important than ourselves. By seeking to glorify Christ through our marriage, our priorities shift to something that simply doesn’t make sense to our natural inclinations.
Now, our highest priority in our marriage is Christ. We seek to serve Him above all else. Yet through serving Christ, our second priority is our spouse. We want the best things for them, making sure they are happy and cared for at the expense of our own desires.
What’s amazing is that because Christ is our highest priority, our own “sacrifices” aren’t so very difficult. After all, our greatest joy and satisfaction isn’t found in our own happiness, but in serving Christ. So when we seek to serve our spouse, we will find our ultimate satisfaction because doing so is how we glorify Jesus Christ.
Fifth, repeat
If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. (1 John 1:6-8)
By identifying our idols and replacing them with Christ, we can end fighting in our marriages. Yet this isn’t a magic bullet that will magically fix everything, just as Christ becoming our savior doesn’t automatically end our desire to sin. The Christian walk is just that – it’s a constantly moving thing.
As followers of Jesus Christ, we don’t get to experience perfection on this side of eternity. Instead, what we get is a life filled with reliance on Christ to kill our sin and enable us to walk in holiness and obedience. Yet within that will always be the desire to fall back into idolatry and find satisfaction in anything apart from Him.
The moment we think we’re strong enough to resist sin is the moment we slip back into it. Anger and bitterness in our marriage is proof that we don’t have the strength to live without idolatry. That’s why our lives must center around Christ – not because He makes us immune to sin, but because He is the only one who can let us recognize our idols, repent of them, and set our minds back on the only person who can truly satisfy.
The truth is that marriage is a story about two depraved sinners trying to live together. When we rely on ourselves, it’s no surprise that things like anger, bitterness, resentment, or jealousy start to take root. When two people try to walk together and only serve themselves, what else can we expect?
Yet when Christ becomes our focus, marriage transforms into something beyond seeking our happiness. It ceases to be about getting everything we can, but becomes focused on giving all we have. When first seek to serve Christ instead of sin, every area of our lives will stop being about what pleases us, and instead becomes about what pleases Him.
