Amidst our culture’s continued pursuit of sexual freedom, Christians may have accidentally developed open marriages. We have slowly adopted the world’s standard of what constitutes adultery, and in doing so we open ourselves up to undermining our own holiness. We say we can look at someone we’re attracted to, even fantasize about them, as long as we don’t act on our thoughts. If we toe that line, is God okay with our wandering eye?
Standards – a moving target
60 years ago, the sexual revolution started taking root. The once-accepted idea of what was normal and acceptable between men and women became publicly challenged. The desires of our sinful hearts no longer needed to fester in secret, but were instead praised for their ability to set us free (Romans 1:32).
The ripples of this shift in culture are still felt today. Even if only discussing heterosexual relationships, our standards today are vastly different from 60+ years ago. As Christians, this should never surprise us. What can a sinful world do except continue to embrace sin?
Let’s not make the mistake in pining for the good old days (Ecclesiastes 7:10). Overt sexual relationships may have been more taboo, but people were no less sinful. Today we aren’t in danger of sinning more, just differently. Yet as Christians, it can be so easy for us to compromise what God’s word says about purity in a world where we are given free rein to pursue our sexual wants.
Window shopping or casual adultery?
Let’s get beyond the board topic of sexuality and zero in on the idea of “look, don’t touch.” Well-meaning friends, parents, and even spouses have encouraged this line of thinking when it comes to being attracted to other people. Not only are we encouraged to let our eye roam over someone else’s body, but people are mocked as “pearl clutchers” if they find themselves uncomfortable with the very idea.
It certainly seems innocent. After all, everyone does it yet so few go out and cheat on their spouse. It’s harmless fun. It’s normal. As long as you don’t do anything about it, what’s the worst that could happen?
We love this rationale because it gives permission to give in to our desires, if only slightly. It pushes down any prodding from the Holy Spirit because everyone tells us it’s acceptable to enjoy looking, because looking isn’t cheating. If only it were so.
Be careful not to allow anyone to captivate you through an empty, deceitful philosophy that is according to human traditions and the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ. (Colossians 2:8)
Why is adultery such a big deal?
Adultery is no laughing matter to God. He doesn’t view marriage lightly and he doesn’t casually shrug when His people find themselves in the bed of another. Our omniscient creator gave us marriage as a gift, but also as a picture of something more glorious than a husband and wife.
But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her (Ephesians 5:24-25)
Ephesians reveals a mystery God has held since creation (Ephesians 5:32). God’s good gift of marriage was always meant to be a picture of Christ and His church, a beautiful union that models love, honor, and sacrifice. A marriage that honors God is one that accurately, even if imperfectly, reflects Christ and His bride.
Understanding that marriage isn’t primarily about us, God’s commands for purity and faithfulness make sense. Fidelity isn’t just a matter of not upsetting our spouse, but a means of cherishing an earthy relationship that reflects our heavenly one. To do otherwise puts us in the same boat that Israel so often found themselves in.
God doesn’t mince words when it comes to following other gods. Israel did it time and again, running back to God only for the next generation to do it again. Yet God doesn’t just call them idolaters or covenant breakers.
But they did not obey their leaders. Instead they prostituted themselves to other gods and worshiped them. They quickly turned aside from the path their ancestors had walked. Their ancestors had obeyed the Lord’s commands, but they did not. (Judges 2:17)
You engaged in prostitution with the Assyrians because your desires were insatiable; you prostituted yourself with them and yet you were still not satisfied. (Ezekiel 16:28)
Prostitutes. God calls His chosen people prostitutes. That’s not an Old Testament writer with a bit of zing to his pen. The eternal God chose that specific word to describe His people when they pursued other gods for satisfaction. He spoke to Israel as a perpetually-unfaithful wife, one whose eyes and heart were only meant for Him.
Again, we see why God takes adultery so seriously. A cheating spouse is a picture of our own tendency to, over and over, find joy and contentment apart from God. To view it as something that could ever make us happy is to reduce the importance of faithfulness to our creator.
Our cheating hearts
But all of that is people acting on their desires! Adultery is clearly a physical act. Maybe adultery can be emotional if flirting goes too far. But looking doesn’t involve any of that, so what’s the big deal?
As always, the answer is Jesus.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to desire her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 25:27-28)
The very act of looking is to commit adultery in the heart. There are no excusable limits to dance around. When we look around to feed our lusts, we’ve dishonored God and our current (or future, if we’re unmarried) spouse.
This only seems unreasonable when we don’t understand the purpose of marriage or why adultery is so abhorrent, which is why we had to lay so much groundwork. God is never content with just our actions – He wants our hearts. Our heart isn’t where we store emotions – it’s the very determiner of our actions (Luke 6:45).
So why is looking at someone sexually considered adulterous? Because it’s the first of many steps away from our commitment to God and our spouse. It’s the beginning of a path that can only lead to destruction. It tells us where our heart truly is and where our heart needs to be.
Looking isn’t innocent. No one ever committed any sin without first seeing that sin as worth pondering. Even sins that seem so instant, like anger, have a moment where we determine that giving in to the sinful temptation is worth it. To look or linger requires the same sinful heart as the physical act of adultery.
Consider what James 1:14-15 tells us about the progressions of sin:
But each one is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires.
It is our desires that lead us to temptation. Our desire to have something better than our spouse, because we deserve it. Our desire to see what else is out there, because things have become ho-hum lately. Our desire to see what we like as we wait for God to bring us someone.
Then when desire conceives, it gives birth to sin,
Desire isn’t content to want from afar. It festers. It makes us see even more things we aren’t content with, and makes the grass on the other side look so very green. And when the opportunity presents itself, we are ready to cast aside the fantasy and actually experience our desire.
and when sin is full grown, it gives birth to death.
In giving in to our lust, whether we’re with another person or alone, we bring destruction upon ourselves. We tell God our desires are worth more than holiness. We don’t honor our spouse or sacrifice for them – we honor ourselves alone.
Is looking without touching harmless?
Christ very clearly tells us that the world has it wrong (Matthew 5:27-28). We see that it’s not an arbitrary decision by God, but that lust is a corruption of His divine purpose for marriage. For many it can be the most difficult sin to deal with, but we can never nod our head as the world tries to make sin acceptable.
But what can we do?
This post isn’t written lightly. There’s no doubt that many reading this already beat themselves up because of their wandering eye. However, God is good and never leaves us in our sin!
Continuing our passage in Matthew, Christ presents us with the solution:
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away! It is better to lose one of your members than to have your whole body thrown into hell. (Matthew 5:29)
Stubborn sin requires radical action. No, we don’t actually gouge out our eyes. Christ is talking about taking sin so seriously that we do what is necessary to kill it (Romans 8:13).
What does that mean for us today? Our world has become so hyper-sexualized that it can be easy not to notice the things that stir up lust. Sex sells and the marketing is everywhere. Consider these areas where we may be encouraged to satisfy our wandering eye, even if we don’t realize it:
- Music videos from the last 30 years
- Shows with overt sexuality like Game of Thrones or many Netflix originals
- A visit to the pool or beach
- People in social media who wear clothes designed for us to linger on them
This isn’t a condemnation of those things, but it should cause us to think. If we’ve found ourselves consistently struggling with lust in these areas, why do we continue? Why let our sin continue to fester rather than take it out back and shoot it?
When we keep putting things in front of our eyes, our desire for them only grows. Our sinfulness knows no bounds, and the world is happy to keep feeding it. We can hate our sin all we want, but without action we will keep failing. We need to end it for good.
No trial has overtaken you that is not faced by others. And God is faithful: He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear, but with the trial will also provide a way out so that you may be able to endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
God promises us a way out of temptation. Many hear that and think that simply involves prayer to get through the next 5 minutes. However, we need to read this in light of Christ’s words. God gives us a way out of temptation, and sometimes that requires removing our eyes.
Does Game of Thrones have a story more important than our holiness? Is the embarrassment of needing blockers on our phones really worth the destruction? Do we need social media so badly that we’ll keep sinning to keep it?
If it will keep our eyes focused on God and our spouse, is there anything we shouldn’t do to kill sin?
God is so good, and following Him offers more joy than any physical pleasure can bring. We need to always remember that we are sick with sin, but our savior offers us hope. Christ has died for the sins that seem to shackle us, freeing us from the need to keep indulging in our depravity. Let today be the last day we justify our wandering eyes. Let it be the last time we seek satisfaction anywhere but our God and the spouse He has for us.
But now, freed from sin and enslaved to God, you have your benefit leading to sanctification, and the end is eternal life. For the payoff of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 6:22-23)
