[Part 1 of the series: What God Actually Requires of Men]
Those with any experience in studying biblical masculinity have a laundry list of ways they must prove they’re men. For most, that list is filled with a handful of checkmarks in the “yes” column, yet dozens, even hundreds, of shameful reminders of all the ways they don’t measure up. Even those with the right personality, looks, and achievements may feel that, deep down, they’d crumble if those around them could see all the ways they still don’t feel like a man.
We call these things “biblical masculinity,” but do we know how much of it is truly biblical?
Three men with the wrong masculinity
Imagine three Christian men who’ve encountered similar brands of biblical masculinity throughout their lives. The people may be fictional, but the types of men produced by our current notions of “masculinity” are very real:
Mr. Middle Ground
He watches sports because he’s supposed to, tries growing a beard he hates, and hides his appreciation for poetry or other artistic pursuits that other men would call “feminine” or “gay.” He followed the advice of being a stoic, distant man in one failed relationship, and a quiet pushover in another. He’s adopted enough masculine behaviors and preferences that most people don’t bother him, but he carries around a low-grade shame because he knows he’ll never meet a standard he could never quite name or articulate. He faithfully attends men’s groups, yet always leaves feeling like other men have achieved something spiritual that he can’t figure out. He spends hours in a book, walking away knowing more information yet feeling more overwhelmed by some standard that he can’t quite name. He’s sure there’s some amount of “masculinity” he can achieve and finally feel like he’s doing well, but he doesn’t know how to measure it and he’s running out of places to find the answer.
The Alpha Male
This is a manly man. Not because he’s John Wayne or Bear Grylls, but because he walks the walk and talks the talk. He reads the right books, knows the right arguments, and carries himself like a man is supposed to. He leads men’s groups and, within 30 seconds, can tell if someone is manly. He’s not a cartoon version of a little boy pretending to be a man, because he’s spent years building himself to be who he is. But his weakness is seen in how he detests other men who don’t compare to him. They’re weak, feminized, and need to know it from his mouth. And when he gets home, he’s proud to know his arsenal of weapons would protect his family from any human intruder, even though he can’t think of the last time he identified and eliminated a spiritual threat to his family. But none of that bothers him too much because he can confidently say he “feels like a man.”
The Checked-Out Guy
The world has handed him two options that he hates and rejects. One option says he’s a failure if he doesn’t use his male privilege to help the feminist cause, clearly marking him as a toxic male. The other heaps shame on him for not being manly enough, which means he’s clearly on the side of feminists. He knows he’s a failure no matter what he does as a man, so why bother at all? It’s better to feel artificial success and low-stakes failures in things like video games, hobbies, and safe employment that don’t push him to discomfort. He may not be lazy, though years of living like this have lowered his tolerance for difficulty. He just never learned what it meant to have a responsibility he could actually succeed in.
“Be true to yourself”?
We’ve been taught that masculinity is a psychological identity. Our success as men is defined by how our thoughts and actions make us feel. Masculinity must be felt internally, expressed outwardly, and confirmed by those who encounter it.
Perhaps many don’t “feel like a man” because many modern teachers, even within Christian circles, define masculinity by the culture more than God’s word.
I want to be clear, most biblical masculinity authors and teachers fight against a real problem. Men have abdicated their responsibilities. There are clear biblical commands that feminism has made them feel ashamed for trying to obey. We have a culture that increasingly promotes a “Peter Pan Syndrome” in which young (and middle-aged) men want to continue a childhood lifestyle of high fun and low responsibility.
But in seeking to combat these real issues, good intentions may bypass biblical faithfulness. In desiring behavior that isn’t influenced by feminism, we settle for behavior modification over heart change. In seeking to cure the ills of feminism, many teachers have reached for a worldview that counters feminism, but make the mistake of defining “biblical masculinity” as anything that opposes feminism. Teaching men that they have an innate masculine nature that must be felt, expressed, and confirmed isn’t an ancient truth that is carefully drawn out of God’s timeless word. Instead, it’s one that rose before feminism and has been around so long that it feels natural, even godly. I’ll trace this history in the next article.
After all, it’s faster, easier, and more successful in the short-term to get people to change through shame. Appealing to the worldly side of people is low-hanging fruit, emphasizing manly traits and behaviors that even non-Christians seek to emulate. Yet in seeking to combat feminism’s dangerous hold on Christianity, we’ve simply rescued our faith from one godless worldview and unknowingly passed it to another.
When “biblical” may not be biblical
Here’s the issue: the modern idea of masculinity doesn’t find its roots in biblical history. This concept of a masculine identity is actually far newer, dating back hundreds of years instead of thousands. Yet the concept is so baked into all aspects of our culture, even before feminism gained momentum, that we have become fish who don’t realize they’re wet. We’re so immersed in secular definitions of “masculinity” and “femininity” that we don’t question where they came from. We just assume “I need to feel like a man, and I don’t, so I need to do something to change that” is a normal statement that should lead to repentance before God.
But notice how the Bible talks about men:
1. We often think that Adam’s greatest failure was weakness as a protector.
And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; (Genesis 3:17, ESV)
Adam failed as a husband by obeying his wife’s words instead of God’s.
2. Husbands are failures if they don’t provide a strong, alpha male presence in the home.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7 ESV)
A man damages his relationship with God by failing to be a gentle and understanding head of his wife.
3. A man’s identity and value are defined by his children’s performance, his wife’s attractiveness, and how much he provides for his family.
[A pastor] must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, 5 for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church? (1 Timothy 3:4 ESV)
One mark of a man mature enough to be a pastor is that he manages his family well, which may even mean not being constantly busy with work or extracurriculars if doing so comes at the expense of overseeing his family.
Don’t let men interpret the Bible; interpret men through the Bible
If we stop reading the Bible through the lens of defining manliness by being an “alpha male,” or any other things God’s enemies may say about gender, we start to notice something. The Bible doesn’t actually have a whole lot to say about what it means to be a man. And what it does say is always assumes one thing: a man is a man, and therefore, he has certain jobs he’s commanded to fulfill. God says nothing about personality types or psychological profiles.
Simply put: there is no biblical concept of “feeling” like a man. A man simply is a man based on biology. And it’s that very biology, and nothing else, that insists that he fills a certain role in his family, and for some men, a certain role in a church. But always, always, the Bible relates “masculinity” to how faithfully a person interacts with the world outside of them. It has absolutely no room for our modern notion of masculinity being an internal feeling, nor being affirmed or denied by those outside ourselves.
Consider how this worldview has played out today: we’re disgusted at men who force their biology to match their psychology, yet many Christians throw money at those who tell us we need to force our psychology to match our biology. The connection may seem shocking, but the logic is the same: in both worldviews, we agree that biology and psychology must align. A large contributor to gender confusion today comes down to people believing their psychology must meet certain standards to let them identify as a man or woman.
If you’re a man, you have certain obligations. Men are defined by obedience to God as husbands, fathers, and pastors. A handsome and successful businessman who’s well-liked by the community but has taken no ownership of his family’s spiritual health is a failure. A quiet man, with a wife who is a full 10 inches taller than him, who biblically trains his children and takes responsibility for his wife’s spiritual health, is a rock star.
After all, think about what the current standard of masculinity demands. We’re always running toward a finish line with no idea how close we are. We’re on a treadmill, increasing in speed and intensity with each new book we read or man we compare ourselves to, yet we still get nowhere. We’re burning ourselves out with nothing to show but exhaustion and frustration. Maybe that’s because we’ve completely misunderstood the very foundation of what it means to be a man.
Becoming comfortable with an uncomfortable reality
Does it feel weird to doubt the thing we all experience, yet assume is normal and right? Absolutely. It challenges something we’ve heard for decades. It makes us question all the advice we’ve heard, and even some we’ve given. It gives a clear goal that doesn’t leave us reaching for the next best-selling book for men. It doesn’t compel us to watch just one more YouTube video or listen to one more podcast that tells men what they need to do to feel like men. It doesn’t put our hope in the next Christian conference to finally give us the solution we need. It means we don’t have to rely on Christian celebrities and influencers who promise us the secret to being real men. It relieves us from having to live a life of performance, aimlessness, or constant frustration as we’re bombarded with endless ways we’re failing God because we don’t fit a stereotype.
It’s weird, but isn’t it also freeing? If the Bible doesn’t have such a narrow scope of masculinity, it means that men are three-dimensional beings who have only two measures of success: am I living obediently in my role as a man, and am I living obediently as a Christian? Within those questions, we can leverage what is uniquely “us,” never excusing sin, but also not believing that Jesus had to die for our quirks and personality differences.
Imagine how this would compel men to measure themselves. By focusing on their role, they have the freedom to be who a sovereign God designed them to be, raising their unique children in their unique context. A man can be a husband who models Jesus Christ to his wife, yet hates the taste of whiskey and will never care about football stats. True shame would come from failing to measure up to God’s expectations, which are both higher than man’s but also achievable through the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives.
I’m not proposing that men be something they aren’t. Instead, I’m challenging them to something very simple: realize that God says you are a man, and with that, you have certain responsibilities. Manliness is a fact we’re born into, not a feeling we grow into. Don’t try to get by, don’t find your identity in a stereotype, and don’t abdicate your actual responsibilities. Instead, be who God commands you to be, not what men want you to be.
But if the Bible doesn’t call us to match an American brand of masculinity, why do we feel so ashamed? How did modern psychology creep into the words and teachings of otherwise godly and faithful men and women over the years? And if we aren’t meant to measure masculinity as something that is, essentially, “anti-feminism,” how can we measure ourselves?
[In the next article, I’ll dive into the history of our modern notion of masculinity and answer the question: Has secular philosophy changed how Christians understand masculinity?]