Over the next week, I expect to hear birth announcements from 3 different family members. Each set of parents will be experiencing many firsts, because each of them is having their first child. There’s a lot of uncertainty and learning ahead for all of them, and after months in quarantine, I imagine there are many more dads out there who will be expecting their own child soon as well.
I’ve learned quite a bit about parenting after 4 kids, and I’d like to share one piece of wisdom that I never hear, yet is one of the best (and possibly hardest) things I learned as my wife and I enjoyed a newborn baby in our lives.
Reject being a selfish father and husband
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. (Ephesians 5:25-30)
This passage is often our reminder to lead our wives into holiness. It reminds us to view our marriage as more than something that makes us happy, but as a sacred picture of Jesus Christ and His church. It’s our call, as husbands, to be imitators of Christ as we treat our wives with love, compassion, patience, and constant sacrifice.
Yet this passage is also very practical and speaks to our day-to-day living. It reminds us that each moment of our lives doesn’t belong to us, but should be dedicated to God as we live with our wives. That means that everything we do isn’t to serve us, but the human being God has specifically called us to serve.
As a new dad, your wife needs you to remember this.
Your wife is going to be experiencing a lot, both emotionally and physically, over the next few weeks (and years). And because she loves the child you’ve created together, she is willing to suffer anything to care for that little human being. She will give up all of her time, energy, and sleep to make sure your child is taken care of, loved, and protected. Often, that will mean doing more than she should because she doesn’t want to be a burden, or suffering silently as she tries not to ask too much of you.
In other words, your wife is willing to suffer through pain, exhaustion, and overwhelming emotions to let you be selfish.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4)
Whether it’s during the pregnancy, birth, or the life of your child, it’s shockingly easy to be a selfish husband and father. Our child needs to be cared for, and it’s very tempting to just let our wives become the default caregiver so that we can do our own thing. We may even find ways to justify letting her bear most of the responsibility and time requirements involved in caring for a child. Whether it’s enjoying our hobbies, resting after work, or spending time with friends, our wives are often willing to let us have what we want because they also want to make sure our children have what they need.
Of course, we’re more than willing to help when we’re asked. We’ll feed the baby, change a diaper, or let mom get a nap if she’s on the verge of a breakdown. However, we’re easily content to do little else unless we’re specifically asked.
If we do that, we’ve failed to love our wives like Christ calls us to.
Fatherhood is a life of sacrifice for your wife
Fatherhood is more than just “being there.” It’s more than teaching skills, playing games, or even providing for your kids. Fatherhood isn’t just about your kids. It’s also about how you treat your wife.
No wife wants to constantly ask her husband for help. She may feel like a failure for needing help in the first place. She could be frustrated or overwhelmed because she has to work to get her husband to be an active part of their child’s life. Whatever the reason, in time a wife will simply stop asking for help, and she will suffer while her husband enjoys themselves.
If we stop and think about that, it should break us. The reality that we could be so selfish that we would let our wives suffer so we can be happy shows how depraved we are. We are completely willing to go against Philippians 2:3-4, sinfully esteeming ourselves more than our wives. We’re willing to ignore Ephesians 5, refusing to model our Savior with how we treat our wives.
That’s how the world, filled with enemies of God, thinks. Instead of following the selfish patterns of the world, see this new part of your life for what it truly is: a way to bring glory to Jesus Christ.
See your fatherhood as an opportunity to serve your wife. Every moment of your day can now be dedicated to loving her in a new, unique way. She can grow closer to God by how you demonstrate the love, care, and sacrifice of Jesus Christ during times where she may need it the most.
But what does this look like?
Practical ways to sacrifice for a new mother
Over the next year, there will be thousands of opportunities to choose between serving yourself or sacrificially loving your wife. It’s impossible to prepare new dads for specific things they will encounter. However, these are some common areas that most of you will experience in some form or another, and these are areas where you’ll have to decide whether you will be sinful by serving yourself, or faithful to Christ by sacrificially serving your wife.
During the birth
This is probably a time where we feel most useless. Our wife can be perfectly fine one moment, go through a contraction that makes us wonder if the baby is coming right now, to then resuming whatever she was doing.
Whatever you do, make sure you are operating at 100% usefulness to her.
There’s no telling what she’ll want during that time. Maybe she’ll want you to hold her hand for hours on end. Perhaps she’ll want music, but no not that song. She may even need everyone out of the room for a few minutes while being too polite to actually say it.
Whatever she needs, make sure you know it without waiting to be told. Constantly check in on her. Make sure you know that there’s absolutely nothing more you can do for her at any given moment, and know that you’ve done everything imaginable to bring her comfort during this difficult and exciting time. Deal with any stresses on her behalf, even if it means having hard conversations with people who are adding difficulty to the situation.
Also, put down your phone unless you have a good reason to be holding it.
The first few days
During the hospital stay, let mom see your excitement at the new baby. Talk to your child, ask her questions, and share your thoughts about everything. Let her know that you’re so thankful for what she went through. Above all, jump in and help with everything you can.
Mom is going to be recovering right now, both physically and emotionally. There may be a lot of fear that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, frustration if things like breastfeeding aren’t going well, and general exhaustion as she’s bombarded with hospital staff and people excited to see the baby. Your job now is to enjoy your baby while devoting yourself to helping your wife recover, rest, and enjoy the new addition to the family.
Returning to normal
As you settle into a new routine, living sacrificially becomes more difficult. While life will certainly be different, there’s a temptation to return to relative normality. And this is where a lot of husbands can start to fail their wives for years.
If you have hobbies, don’t try to squeeze your family into your “me time.” Instead, start by dropping the hobby in your mind. Figure out what your family needs, where your time is best spent, and what you can do to serve the wife and children God has given you. Once you have all the important things sorted out, pick your hobby back up and see where it can fit.
To summarize a statement from one of my favorite preachers, Paul Washer: “God has given us time to do the things we need, but not always time to do the things we want.” Make sure you prioritize your time on things that God has called you to, then enjoy whatever extra time God grants you.
Speaking of time, please rethink your routine of getting home from work. There’s an assumption that when a husband gets home from work, it’s now time to sit in front of the TV. But if we’re trying to honor God by living and thinking sacrificially, this doesn’t make sense.
Instead, realize that walking through that front door (or leaving the home office) is stepping into your ministry. You are now in the place God has called you to devote your greatest amount of energy. Base your decisions on the question “How can I best serve my wife right now?”
Remember that our greatest satisfaction is found in serving Jesus Christ. If living sacrificially for our wives is where He’s called us in this life, then we will find the most joy and satisfaction in that role. TV, video games, or other distractions may be enjoyable, but they don’t bring ultimate satisfaction. And in the end, they may even come at the cost of other things. Instead, love God by loving your wife more than yourself.
Final thoughts
You and your wife are about to see your lives change in an exciting way. You get to understand God the Father in a new way by reflecting that relationship with your child. You also get to enjoy a deeper understanding of Christ and His bride by sacrificing everything for your own bride as you enter a new stage in life together.
This isn’t a life that makes sense in our world. We’re bombarded with a worldview that tells us to enjoy our own life, to seek our own happiness, and to care for ourselves first of all. It’s easy to compromise our families to serve ourselves, but doing so comes at the expense of honoring Christ.
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. (Galatians 2:20)
Instead, treat marriage as an extension of the life you’ve surrendered to Christ. Reflect the love and sacrifice of Christ by devoting every moment to loving and sacrificing for the woman He’s given you. Seeking your own happiness may feel good at the moment, but doing so requires us to say that our desires are more important than what Christ has called us to.
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. (Philippians 1:21)
Die to yourself, especially your selfishness, so that you can live for Christ.
