There is immense value in raising children in a Christian home. They are regularly exposed to prayer, Bible reading, asking for forgiveness, and discussions centered around Christ. Likewise, they enjoy developing a biblical worldview so that, when Christ saves them, they don’t have to battle through removing a secular worldview and replacing it with a proper one. Unfortunately, it’s those very benefits of a Christian home that can lead to our children never being saved.
Walking and talking
As parents, we enjoy seeing our children say and do things that, in our eyes, please God. We love when they say a mealtime prayer, quote the Bible, and tell us about their Sunday school lesson. We praise them for saying and doing those things that we, as parents, hope our kids will want to do. And usually, after 5 or 6 years of hearing about Jesus and their need to ask Him for forgiveness, they’ll say a prayer and we’ll celebrate their salvation.
They went out from us, but they were not really of us; for if they had been of us, they would have remained with us; but they went out, so that it would be shown that they all are not of us. (1 John 2:19)
And yet, there is an endless amount of stories out there of people who did just that, spending their entire childhood looking like Christians, only to walk away from the faith with zero hesitation. Their parents are completely heartbroken because this child, whom they were convinced was living a Chrisitan life, now wants nothing to do with it.
What causes this?
There’s no single answer here. However, one thing I’ve noticed as my own parenting evolves is that it’s very easy for parents to be content with a child doing and saying what’s expected. They say God made the world because that’s what they were told. They pray when requested and maybe even read their Bible because that’s a rule of the house. Everything about their outward appearance is Christian, whether they believe it or not.
Moralism, not motivation
For all of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment; And all of us wither like a leaf, And our iniquities, like the wind, take us away. (Isaiah 64:6)
This is often seen in how we handle Bible stories with our children. Whether in Sunday school or our own devotions, we often say “God is pleased when you _______.” And while not inherently wrong, kids often understand it as “God sees me as good when I _____.”
The difference here is what we see through Christ and what we see in the Pharisees. These men were convinced they were pleasing God because their words and actions were all things they were told to do. Their entire belief system was “If I do this, God is pleased with me.” The Pharisees were very moral, but they weren’t motivated out of a love for God.
So many people in the world carry the belief that they will go to Heaven because they’re basically good people. Sure, they may stumble and fall here and there, but they don’t steal, don’t lie (often), don’t hurt others, give money to charities, volunteer, etc. Their entire understanding of God is that their good works make them right before God.
As Christians, we realize that the key component they’re missing is that our good works are meant to be a result of our love for God, rather than God’s love for us being a result of our good works. It’s only through repentance from sin and faith in Christ that God can look at us as His children, regardless of any good or bad we’ve done. It’s out of love and thankfulness to Jesus Christ that our obedience, charity, honesty, and other good works can please Him.
Yet without realizing it, we often teach this same worldview to our children. We teach them that God is pleased with them when they obey their parents, treat their siblings well, share their toys, go to church every week, etc. We teach them that, as long as they do certain things, they’re safe. We tell them that God is most pleased when they choose to be moral, regardless of why they do it. And in that way, we accidentally teach salvation through works.
False assurances
So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; (Philippians 2:12)
Most dangerously of all is that we continue telling them they’re Christians. We remind them that they prayed a prayer when they were six, so they’re a child of God. We don’t encourage them to examine their hearts or look for evidence of the Holy Spirit motivating their actions. Perhaps out of fear of confronting our child’s standing before God, we tell them to remember the decision they made when they were little, regardless of whether their hearts reflect that change.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. (Galatians 5:22-25)
We are commanded to examine our salvation regularly. We are given evidence of our salvation in things like the fruit of the Holy Spirit. Regardless of age, if a person has the Holy Spirit living in them then these things will naturally start to grow and mature in their lives. Not that patience or self-control is evidence of salvation, but these traits will be present or desired because we love God and want to be more like Christ.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. (James 4:8-9)
Likewise, salvation marks our lives in how we respond to sin. We all sin regularly, but only those who are in Christ will also mourn their sin regularly. The Christian life begins with repentance, and that continues until we breathe our last. As we desire for our imperfect lives to reflect our perfect savior, we will regularly turn to Christ for the forgiveness of those sins He’s still helping us kill every day. They don’t make us guilty before God once again, but we still hate them because God hates them.
Yet repentance from sin and growing closer to Christ are things we rarely talk to our kids about. We don’t tell them to work out their salvation, and we especially don’t encourage them to question their salvation if they don’t care about the things of God. We teach them morality, we teach them to remember that one day when they were young, and we secretly pray that it’s real to them.
Finding hope in our failure
I planted, Apollos watered, but God was causing the growth. So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth. (1 Corinthians 3:6-7)
This article is very personal. Everything written here is an admission of ways I’ve failed my children as I raise enemies of God in a Christian home. Yet in spite of my failures, I know God’s plans aren’t ruined because of me.
As parents, our job is to show Christ to our children. We teach them truth and lead them according to how we understand the world. Perhaps we don’t have all the answers, and we can easily look back and see more failures than successes in our parenting. However, God is too good to leave the eternal destiny of our children in our abilities as parents.
However, it’s not our job to bring them to salvation. We pile kindling around them, but it’s God who sparks a genuine understanding of sin and helps them realize their need for a savior. God has absolutely put them in our care and wants us to raise them well, but we must never assume that our child’s lack of salvation is because we weren’t good enough parents.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. (Philippians 1:6)
For many parents, God may not be done yet. Even if a child is 30 years old and living in rebellion to God, we must remember that God’s way of doing things is rarely what we imagine. He has a much longer view of the world, and sometimes all we can do is trust that He is good and will work out all things for His glory.
Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness? But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed, and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. (Romans 6:16-18)
Yet whatever age our children are, the most important thing we can do is talk to them like real people. If they profess salvation, we should be encouraging them to keep growing in their walk with Christ. We have a pastor-like responsibility to our believing children to remind them that they are no longer obedient to sin, but are now “slaves of righteousness” through Jesus Christ.
That also means that we need to encourage our children to never assume their salvation. This requires difficult discussions as we admit to ourselves that our kids may be deceiving themselves. We want them to be sure they’re genuinely children of God, rather than “whitewashed tombs” like the Pharisees.
In other words, we need to treat our children like we treat ourselves. Just as we regularly evaluate our hearts to make sure our love and motivations are in Christ, we teach them to do the same.
None of us should look at a single day 10 years ago for our assurance that we’re no longer enemies of God, but we instead evaluate the pattern of our lives. Does our life, despite its ups and downs, show evidence of spiritual growth and turning away from sin? That’s how we counsel ourselves and other Christians, and it’s how we should counsel our children.
What can we do?
Realizing that we may be giving our children false hope of salvation can be devastating. We fear we’ve ruined their eternity, and they’re going to Hell because we screwed up. We may even feel a sense of hopelessness as we wonder if we can undo years of teaching them to be moral sinners, rather than followers of Christ.
Relax.
Trust that we are only a part of God’s plan for salvation. We aren’t so incompetent and incapable that we can stop the plans of God. Instead, all we can do is be faithful in what God has given us, repenting and growing as He reveals more and more truth to us.
If you can sympathize with my own failures as a parent, all I can do is encourage that you first turn to prayer, seeking God’s wisdom as you look to change things. I’d also recommend being honest with your kids, explaining to them ways you may have failed them and then truly, accurately explaining the gospel to them. It may not make sense to them immediately, and they may leave that conversation no different. But God works on everyone’s hearts slowly, and over time your conversations with them will likely transform.
As you speak to your children, whatever their age, you will start to see them as God does. If we’re honest, we may see them as sinners who need to see the truth of Christ, yet without being coerced into making a false confession of faith just to make us happy. If they’re truly saved, then we can finally treat them as genuine brothers and sisters in Christ whose lives belong completely to their Savior. Either way, our relationship with them will deepen as we start to address their heart, not just their actions.
