When a Christian friend is in sin, the “right thing” can be difficult to discern. We want them to follow Christ, but we can’t condone what they’re doing. Our culture tells us not to make people feel bad about themselves, yet the Bible seems pretty harsh about some sins. What’s the right answer to a friend caught in sin?
No matter if they’re friends or family, we always want what’s best for the people we love. Just as we wouldn’t wish physical misery on them, we also want them to avoid spiritual suffering. When we see a friend giving in to anger, lust, addiction, or any myriad of sinful desires we are often left with two hard choices: be silent or be honest.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
but the kisses of an enemy are excessive. (Proverbs 27:6)
In a world of positive self-image and emotion-fueled outbursts, telling the truth, no matter how gently, is rarely praised. The contrast in this verse is absolute: we can be a friend or an enemy. Yet the markers of each flies in the face of what we’d otherwise assume.
Our friend doesn’t need to feel better about themselves. They don’t need to be told “Don’t worry about it, it happens to everyone.” Those are the actions of an enemy. Letting our friends wallow in sin for sake of their feelings is, indeed, a hateful action. Likewise, our unwillingness to get involved because we feel awkward or too busy is to forego love for selfishness.
Genuine, biblical friendship demands a willingness to hurt our friend. Like pushing someone out of the way of a train, the initial hurt far outweighs the damage heading their way (James 1:15). They may get angry, they may even love their sin so much that they’ll choose it over friendship with us, but what choice do we have?
Handle with care
However, there is absolutely a wrong way to go about this. When loving our friends enough to speak truth, we must take care not to use it as an excuse to air our grievances or be hurtful because it feels good to us. We should never use the Bible as an excuse to indulge in cruelty or pride.
Brothers and sisters, if a person is discovered in some sin, you who are spiritual restore such a person in a spirit of gentleness. Pay close attention to yourselves, so that you are not tempted too. (Galatians 6:1)
It’s tough to tell a hard truth to a fellow believer, no matter how close we are to them. It’s perhaps even more difficult to do so with an amount of gentleness that doesn’t dilute the message. We can spend so much time tap-dancing around feelings that the weight of what we’re saying is lost. Or if you’re like me, it can be easy to overcorrect and utterly lack any sort of gentleness, simply stating a fact of “This is wrong. This is what the Bible says. Handle it.”
Balance is hard to find, yet we don’t get off the hook because it’s not a fun task. Gentleness comes from the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and we must rely on Him to get us past our sinful tendencies. Walking in the Spirit is just as necessary for us as whomever we’re trying to help!
Following God will inevitably bring us in contact with those who are hurting and struggling with sin. As believers, we’re never left alone, nor can we leave others alone. God has given us the Holy Spirit to encourage and comfort us (Acts 9:31), but He has also blessed us with a community of believers and charged us to care for one another.
Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
There’s no escaping it. Our friends need truth, always spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15). We don’t have the luxury of ignoring it or telling them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. We walk next to our people, shouldering the weight of one another’s struggles.
Not just for Christians!
Just as our soft words and “get along” attitude can deprive Christians of growth, an unwillingness to speak honestly with unbelievers will often deprive them of hearing their need for repentance from sin and salvation through Christ. We sit quietly and tell ourselves that they’ll look at our lives and say “Hey, I want some of that!” And true, God may bring someone to Christ despite our passivity.
Yet consider the Proverb. When we sit idly by knowing that someone we care about is bound for Hell, what would a friend do? What would an enemy do? What do we do?
Who needs truth today?
Speaking truth is hard. Hearing truth is hard. Yet it was God’s honesty about our wretched condition that brought us to repentance. It’s the words of friends, heavy with sorrow for our sin, that often brings us back from irreversible mistakes.
When confronting a believe, do so after a great amount of prayer. Our idiot tongues aren’t persuasive enough to bring someone out of their pursuit of sin. But the Holy Spirit, living in us and them, is the one who works through us.
Let’s speak to God about our friends and their sin, then rely on Him for the love and strength to speak to those friends about God and their sin.
