One of my most popular articles and podcast episodes is “The Bible’s Rules for the Bedroom.” While these covered most questions couples have about what is or isn’t allowed for married couples, they didn’t fully address what we do outside the bedroom.
As a follow-up, it’s worth discussing something that should only exist between a husband and wife yet has little to do with the bedroom. Touching our spouse’s genitals or other body parts for sexual reasons is commonly referred to as fondling or groping. Many people do it without thinking it could be unwanted or inappropriate, while others may feel like they suffer under the invasion of their personal space.
This article isn’t going to say what someone should or shouldn’t do, but instead give some guidelines and help both sides better understand one another’s perspectives.
A note before we begin
It’s difficult to choose between two terms – fondling implies something gentle or enjoyable, while groping is more invasive. For the sake of this article, I’ll consistently use “fondle,” even when talking about unwanted touching. I do so because I want to positively portray all forms of sexual intimacy within marriage, even when discussing why it may be inappropriate or unloving in a particular situation.
I must also clarify that I’m only discussing fondling between a husband and wife. It is never appropriate or Christ-honoring to have any sexual interaction with someone you aren’t married to, including fondling.
The biblical consideration
The Bible may not specifically discuss the “do and do not” of fondling, but understanding sexual intimacy within marriage can help us. As I discussed in my article about sex, 1 Corinthians gives us God’s desire for sexual intimacy:
But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)
What can we learn from this passage?
- Sex protects us from immorality
- Sex is only between a husband and wife
- God calls spouses to satisfy their partner
- A spouse’s body “belongs” to the other
- Sex is to be regular and consistent
Within this freedom and duty in marriage, something other than our personal desires or preferences determines our actions. We must set the needs of our spouse above our own. However, there’s one more thing to consider about sexual intimacy.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:34)
God tells our spouses to fulfill their duties to us, which requires sacrifice. However, if God wants us to count others as more significant than ourselves, that should see its greatest obedience in how we treat our spouse. Whatever sexual needs we have that need to be met, we must always ensure we’re doing so in a way that is most honoring and sacrificial to them.
It’s easy to apply this to sex, but I think we can also apply it to fondling. A spouse can work to love their spouse by accepting intimate touching outside the bedroom, if only as an act of love and sacrifice. On the other end, someone can choose to stop or modify how they touch their spouse if it’s something the other person really can’t tolerate.
A notable difference, of course, is that it’s doubtful that a person must fondle their spouse to avoid falling into sexual sin. It may let them take joy in their spouse even more, and it may be something incredibly important to them, but it’s probably not in the same category as sex.
So a spouse’s sacrifice may be different between fondling and satisfying their spouse in the bedroom. That’s not to say we need to treat the physical aspect of marriage like a contract where we say “I’m only obligated to fulfill my duty in these narrow ways.” Still, the purpose of sexual satisfaction within marriage is much different than the unique ways a man or woman may want to express their sexual attraction or desire for their spouse.
All that is to say that, while sex is vital to marriage, things like fondling aren’t as easy to make a blanket statement about. However, I suspect much of the disconnect in a marriage where one spouse wants to fondle the other, yet it’s not received well, is an issue of understanding and communication.
If we can agree on where fondling falls within a spouse’s duty, the rest of this will make more sense. I think this article can serve its greatest purpose by simply helping people to understand their spouse’s perspective. After that, we’ll end with advice on communication and sacrifice.
Why your spouse wants to fondle
While individuals will have their own reasons or preferences for fondling, I suspect they find their roots in a few common influences. While this list isn’t exhaustive, it may help better understand why a husband or wife insists on entering the private space of their spouse.
A basic desire and attraction
There seems to be a timeless truth to humans. If we’re attracted to something, we want to interact with it. Even reading the Song of Solomon, it’s clear that neither person feels content just to admire their partner, and their various body parts, from afar. People want to engage with those parts of their spouse they find attractiv. Becausee sexual touching is only holy within marriage, many people want to enjoy that freedom to enjoy their spouse’s body more often than just the bedroom.
Your spouse may simply be acting on their desire for you, perhaps without thinking about how it’s received.
How they express affection
People grow to express their affection differently. Some express it through physical proximity and touch. Perhaps closely linked to the previous point, they may express their physical affection in a way that is unique only to their spouse. While they may touch a friend’s arm or give them a hug, they reserve sexual touching for only one person in their life. And since it’s natural for them to touch people in ways that are appropriate to that particular relationship, it’s likely just as natural for them to touch their spouse in a way that feels appropriate to their marriage.
Your spouse may not think anything is amiss by expressing their affection in ways reserved only for you.
Influenced by culture
Men and women in America are attracted to different things than people in Iran, South Korea, or Africa.Undoubtedly, our culture has a surprising effect on what we find attractive or arousing. Beyond that, culture also influences how we express ourselves to our spouses. Grabbing a spouse’s buttocks has often been normal for men, and has become increasingly common for women as well. The reasons behind how or why we do certain things could fill an entire book, but the simple explanation is that we do these things because our culture trains us. It’s not an inherently evil or dangerous thing, but it’s worth understanding that many people fondle their spouse because culture has encouraged them to do it since childhood.
Your spouse may fondle you because they grew up in a culture that taught them it was a good thing to do with you.
A sinful mentality
While culture and upbringing encourage positive behaviors, they can also teach people to touch their spouse for inappropriate reasons. While I will argue that fondling in marriage is often good, our sinful nature can also play a dangerous part. When that’s the case, fondling ceases to be a loving act that may have some poor communication behind it, and instead it becomes a vehicle for someone to act sinfully against their spouse.
I’ll give a handful of examples of how someone can have sinful intentions behind touching their spouse. This list cannot possibly cover everything, but this should at least help people start examining their own hearts, or perhaps lovingly help their spouse better understand what they’re doing.
How might someone be sinful when touching their spouse sexually?
- They use it as a form of domination. They may believe that a person, especially if they’re male, needs to establish dominance over their spouse by sexually grabbing them. This is easily recognized if the touching is aggressive, disruptive to what the other person is doing, or even painful.
- They do it in public to show off that this person is theirs. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with taking joy in our spouse publicly, the problem comes when we use unwanted sexual touch to prove something to others.
- They only think of their spouse sexually. They don’t view their spouse as a brother or sister in Christ, at least not all the time, and so they don’t treat them that way either. Their spouse is like an object that serves their needs, and so they interact in the only way that makes sense.
- They embrace worldly thinking. American culture is full of selfishness in relationships, objectifying people, and placing the highest emphasis on the physical. Christians often bring this ungodliness into their marriages, getting their thoughts and actions from a secular worldview. It gets even worse when people realize it, but would rather be like the world than honor God in their marriage.
- They’re repeating abuse from their childhood. Perhaps they were a child of an unhealthy marriage. Perhaps they suffered sexual abuse from a loved one and learned that love is only expressed through unwanted sexual contact. It’s hard to argue that sinful cycles are created within families, and they will often continue unless God works through that person to break the cycle.
Allow me to be clear – not all of these are willful acts of sin. However, even if we don’t realize we’re acting sinfully, that doesn’t change the fact that sin is at its root. So whether someone is choosing to think sinfully or simply acting out what they learned at a young age, seeing their motivations is crucial in allowing God to work in that situation.
Your spouse may be wrong for how, and why, they touch you. If that’s the case, they need your help and prayer to repent and rely on the power of Christ to pursue holiness in your marriage.
Why your spouse doesn’t want to be fondled
It can be difficult for a husband or wife to understand why their spouse doesn’t want to be touched. It can even lead to feelings of abandonment because, they assume, a lack of love is the only explanation.
Like the previous section, this won’t be exhaustive. However, I hope it will help people better understand their spouse. And, ultimately, I hope it encourages better communication.
It’s like fondling their elbow
One person finds pleasure by touching certain parts of their spouse. However, the person receiving it may experience as much enjoyment as if they were being fondled on the elbow or big toe. What is sexual to one person is merely functional to another (which may be especially true for mothers whose breasts are associated with lactation and feeding). So while one spouse may enjoy it, the other may find it unexciting or even awkward.
From your spouse’s perspective, imagine how off-putting it might be if they regularly squeezed or rubbed your elbow for sexual pleasure.
A reminder of sexual assault
Sexual abuse and assault are horrible realities of our sinful world. Statistics show that before age 18, 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 53 boys will experience sexual abuse by an adult. This increases when we consider sexual abuse by peers or sexual abuse over the age of 18. When we broaden our considerations to being groped by friends, family, or strangers, it’s not hard to imagine that many marriages will feature at least one person who has been physically violated by another person.
Thus, it also shouldn’t surprise us that being touched without some kind of consent may bring that person back to their sexual assault experience. It’s impossible to know without communication, and situations like this require the utmost care as we seek to love and care for someone who was sinned against in that way.
From your spouse’s perspective, your physical touch outside the bedroom may remind them of a painful experience in their past.
It’s disrespectful
People may find it disrespectful or dehumanizing to be fondled. This can be due to what culture tells them, personal experience, or because they don’t understand why their spouse enjoys it. A person may feel that being touched, especially in personal or sensitive areas, makes them more of an object and less of a person at that moment. Thus the more they are fondled, the greater they feel a sense of hurt or even betrayal from their spouse.
From your spouse’s perspective, fondling may be a sign that you don’t respect them or value them as more than a collection of body parts.
You aren’t reading the situation
Fondling can be like whistling. Perhaps our spouse enjoys when we whistle a song, or they just don’t mind it. However, it’s very inconsiderate to whistle when they have a migraine, are on the phone, or are trying to watch a movie. Likewise, perhaps your spouse doesn’t usually mind being touched, or maybe they even enjoy it. But when we do it during the wrong time, they’re likely to appreciate it as much as listening to whistling while fighting a migraine.
From your spouse’s perspective, the problem may not be fondling itself, but when you choose to do it.
It doesn’t end with touching
Perhaps a spouse doesn’t mind the fondling itself. However, if they know that enjoying it (or just allowing it) will lead to sex, they may be much more reserved. If a man or woman primarily fondles their spouse when hoping for sex, it forces that person to be strategic and on guard against their spouse’s affectionate or sexual touching. Not that sex itself is a negative, but like the previous point it may not be an opportune time.
From your spouse’s perspective, you may have blurred the line between “I’m fondling because I’m attracted to you” and “If I get to fondle you, I’ll want to have sex.”
They don’t want to sacrifice in that way
Love is sacrifice, but that doesn’t erase our preferences and boundaries. Whatever reason a spouse may have for not wanting to be fondled, the ultimate reality is that they may hold to that reason. Perhaps they currently strugglenot to associate it negatively, or maybe they choose to be selfish.
If a marriage is meant to last a lifetime, then some things may not happen as quickly as we want. With time, communication, and perhaps godly counsel, they may change. But even if it seems like it will never happen, we can model sacrifice by being patient, understanding to what they feel, and open about how we feel.
From your spouse’s perspective, fondling may be something they don’t want to allow. And just as you hope they’ll sacrifice their preferences to allow you to touch them, it’s also worth considering surrendering your preferences to love them in their current struggle with intimate touching.
The importance of balance, communication, and sacrifice
The reasons a person may want to fondle their spouse are just as varied as reasons a spouse doesn’t want to be fondled.There are no clear boundaries or easy answers for two people struggling to navigate sexual touching. But that doesn’t mean there’s no hope.
This article began with some simple guidelines – both spouses need to serve one another and sacrifice for one another. My conclusion isn’t much different. However, now you’re equipped and encouraged to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective.
If you’re reading this as someone struggling through the issues discussed, my greatest advice is to talk to your spouse. Perhaps have them read this as well, then be prepared to have an honest talk. Both of you need to put the needs and desires of your spouse above yourself, and thus be willing to sacrifice in areas where you can, even if you aren’t excited about it.
If you’re in a marriage and this doesn’t seem to be an issue, I’d still encourage you to talk about it. Sexual touch, or a lack of it, plays a role in most marriages. While one person may think everything is fine, they may not realize their partner has been silently struggling. Love them enough to discuss a subject you may have never considered before. Desire to make sure you’re meeting their needs and not ignoring their struggles.
Lastly, I would like to remind husbands of the tiebreaker in discussions like this. It’s easy to abuse our role as leaders by saying “I’m the head, so I get the final say.” However, remember the warning we’re given in 1 Peter:
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)
God takes our roles as husbands seriously, and so should we. Our relationship to God depends on our choice to live sacrificially alongside our wives. If you’ve had Christ-honoring discussions, examined your heart, and sought godly counsel, it’s likely you’ll be able to work with your wife to find compromises that lets you treat one another with love.
However, if you still can’t come to an agreement, it’s on us as husbands to “live with them in an understanding way.” For most, that may mean dialing back on the fondling. That doesn’t mean it’s a “never again,” but it’s a sacrifice we must make while continuing discussions with our wife. She’s your wife, but she’s also a child of God and co-heir with Christ. Always treat her that way.
Closing thought
Physical intimacy can create pain and suffering in marriage. However, it can also produce joy and closeness. It’s important to strike a balance between stating our preferences while being willing to sacrifice for our spouse’s preferences. This article may not give you a perfect answer that fixes everything. However, it does remind you that your spouse does things for a reason.
Make it your goal to understand your spouse, help them understand you, and work together to find a healthy place for fondling in your marriage.
