Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, a day of chocolate, roses, and fancy dinners. People dressed up, wrote nice notes, and used their words and actions to show that special someone just how much they love and care about them. Because that’s just what you do on Valentine’s Day, right?
Yet for Christians, honoring Christ in our marriage means Valentine’s Day shouldn’t look much different than the rest of the year.
Christ and His bride
Our culture tends to treat things like Valentine’s Day as an obligation. A spouse has one of two expectations:
- They deserve to be treated special on this day
- They are required to do special things for the other person
Both of these, if we truly think about them, are not how God designed marriage. We are never called to expect special treatment, nor should sacrificial love belong to a holiday. Instead, we are meant to model our marriages after the relationship they were designed to reflect – Christ and His people.
For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s. (Romans 14:7-8)
As those who are saved by the blood of Christ, we have a new life. No longer do we live for ourselves, but for the one who is above all else. Jesus Christ isn’t just a part of our life; He is our life. When we’re truly living in obedience to the Holy Spirit, everything we do considers Christ above all. Whether it’s how we talk to our kids or what we think about in traffic, everything is given over to Jesus Christ.
Likewise, Christ is an ever-present part of our lives. He didn’t just ascend to Heaven and leave us hanging. He sent the Holy Spirit to comfort us and is constantly interceding for us before God. We are as much a part of Christ’s every moment as He should be for ours.
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:22-27)
That is the beautiful picture that our marriages are meant to follow. Christ gave everything for us. As Christians, we are called to give everything for Him. And if what Paul says here is true, then we must let that transform how we view marriage.
Husband, give everything for your wife
For most of us, the failure to only actively and purposely love our spouse on a few special days is often on the husband. The culture we live in encourages him to only care about his wife once a year, and the way we form and express our relationships often doesn’t help. But in the end, it really boils down to us being selfish and only doing the bare minimum.
Yet just as Christ sacrificed for us, we can sacrifice for our wives. We know they need to hear things like “I love you” often. We know they deserve thoughtful gifts, loving gestures, and acts of service like doing the dishes or meeting needs without being asked. Despite popular belief, we can even love them by caring for them physically. Likewise, we can love them by giving up those things we want so we can better focus on them. If our purpose in marriage is to sacrifice for them, then we will sacrifice our time, comfort, and everything else to give them what they truly need. Just as Christ gave His all for us, we give everything for our wives.
Wife, give everything for your husband
What Paul is talking about here isn’t just blindly obeying what a husband says, just as our relationship with Christ isn’t merely about obeying so we don’t get in trouble. What this verse implies reaches further into the heart than that. As Christians, we are called to live in humility and service to our incredible savior. Not because it’s our duty, but because it brings us great joy to set our focus on Him.
Just as we all give up our lives and desires in service to Christ, wives can follow that model by being willing to sacrifice themselves for their husbands. For many, this can be as simple as giving more physical attention because that’s often where husbands feel a lack. However, the more a wife seeks to live in sacrifice to her husband, the more attuned she’ll become to more than just his desire for sex. Just as we grow closer to Christ the more we set our focus on Him, the more a wife will grow closer to her husband when she lets go of herself and gives everything to him.
Don’t neglect either relationship
And He was saying to them all, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.” (Luke 9:23)
Although our lives may not always show it, we aren’t called to just love and serve Christ on certain days of the year. However, we certainly have some days where we’re more specific in what we do. And in that way, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful holiday. It’s a time when we have an excuse to go out and do something we may not otherwise do when balancing work, kids, and everything else in life.
However, if we’re loving our spouse as purposely and sacrificially as God wants us to, then February 14th shouldn’t look much different from July 14th. Sure, one may involve a nice dinner or the kids sleeping at the grandparents, but spending a day lavishing our spouse with love can’t be a unique occasion.
Instead, selfish days should be the ones that are so uncommon that they stand out to us. Treating our spouse sinfully should be a rarity, not the standard. Days where we randomly kiss them and say “I love you” or do the dishes so they can rest are meant to be just a regular Tuesday, not a special holiday.
Again, this models our relationship with our Savior. We wouldn’t want Christ to only love us a few days out of the year. In His perfection, He loves us at all times with all that He has. Likewise, He never once encourages us to spend 6 days a week focused on pleasing ourselves, but on Sunday alone we make Him a part of our lives.
May the relationship we want with Christ, filled with daily love and sacrifice at every opportunity we get, be a model for our we treat our spouse every single day of the year.
P.S. Have more sex
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5)
There are couples out there who may only have sex on special occasions. Sometimes, this is because sex is just a selfish act on both parts, and ultimately stops being fulfilling. Perhaps one person is just not nearly as interested as the other. Perhaps there’s a bad history attached to sex.
Whatever the reason, the Bible is quite clear on our need to regularly satisfy our spouse. Simply put, that means we need to have regular sex. Yet just as the reality of daily sacrifice can transform our emotional relationship with our spouse, it will also radically transform the physical.
Approach sex in the same way we do anything else in our relationship. It’s not about pleasing ourselves, but them. It’s about making sure they are taken care of, even if that means taking extra time to know what they need. With that, they need to feel free and open to telling us what they need because they can trust us to care for them.
I’ve discussed the Bible’s Rules for the Bedroom in a previous article, and I’d recommend everyone give it a read. But in the end, let sex with your spouse be just another way you regularly care for the person God has given you.
February 14th: just a day on the calendar
Valentine’s Day is a great day to show love and sacrifice to your spouse. But so is February 15th, and November 3rd, and every other day of the year as you do the exact same thing in different ways. Let every day for the rest of your lives be spent in such loving sacrifice that Valentine’s Day no longer feels unique.
(Note: This article was originally posted February 14th, 2020, and has been updated)
