“I have a hard time making friends at church because I’m an introvert.”
“I always feel shy or anxious when I’m around others. I worry I’ll say the wrong thing to them.”
“I’d much rather be home than around people.”
These aren’t just things introverts say – these are my own thoughts. Just like our phones get drained from browsing the internet or watching YouTube, I feel my own batteries drain from being around people; likewise, I feel recharged and refreshed from being at home. Left to my own preferences, I’d probably never interact with another human being outside of my family and close friends.
I confess all that to assure any introverts reading this article. I’m going to lay out some difficult truths, and I want all of you to know that I’m speaking from my own experience. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted anymore than it’s wrong to be left-handed. However, introversion does present some unique sin opportunities that those weird extroverts may never understand.
(Sorry extroverts. I still love you.)
There’s an “i” in “introvert”
Introversion may not be sinful, but it can tempt us to selfishness. Just looking at my statements above, there’s a clear trend – it’s all about how I feel or what I desire.
From a worldly perspective, that’s great. We’re encouraged to do what makes us happy, not feel pressured outside our comfort zones, and embrace who we truly are. However, that often leads to our identities as introverts coming before our identities in Christ.
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
I’ll say it plainly – when we use introversion as a reason not to talk to others, we’re counting ourselves as more significant than them. We’re saying “I don’t like it, so I won’t do it.” As Christians, we’re part of a community. We know we should reach out to others, whether to encourage another believer or even share the gospel, but we keep retreating into ourselves and saying “I can’t because I’m an introvert.”
And yet, if we’re honest, we will often admit that’s not true. Saying “I can’t talk to people or make friends because I’m an introvert” isn’t the same as saying “I can’t use my wings to fly over the trees because I’m a human.” It’s not that we’re biologically or psychologically incapable of being social, we just don’t like it because it often takes an incredible amount of effort. And its even worse if we aren’t used to it.
Using introversion to say “I can’t” can become a safety net that excuses us from trying. It lets us stay in our comfort zone by letting us hide behind a label. It allows us to be lazy in our relationships, and it even skews our understanding of reality because we blame others for our unhappiness.
Introversion isn’t sinful, but it’s often an excuse to sin. The sooner we examine ourselves and see how we may use it to be selfish in our relationships, the sooner we can surrender it to Christ.
Addressing our selfishness
I’ve learned that it’s so easy to be a selfish introvert. It takes effort to approach people, form friendships, and put ourselves out there. It’s much, much more comfortable to simply stand on the sidelines, wait for people to approach us, and continue on in our comfort zones. It’s easy to choose what feels more natural to us, and so we make a lifetime habit of letting introversion define what we do and how we think.
Let’s have an honest discussion about some things we say, and how we can see our sinful desires beneath each one.
I don’t have any Christian friends
This is a common complaint among people who are shy or introverted. Perhaps we don’t care about our lack of friends, or we just don’t know what to do about it. Either way, it’s important for us to start by realizing that Christ desires for us to be in a community of believers.
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. (Hebrews 10:24-25)
We are called to meet together, but there’s meant to be a personal element to that. We can’t stir up one another if we’re always staring at the floor or leaving as soon as the church service ends. We need people, but people also need us. They need our spiritual gifts just as much as we need theirs. When we’re so selfish that we make “introvert” our identity, we deprive others of the ways God has gifted us, as well as refusing to let them obey Christ by using their gifts on us.
This need for Christian fellowship also sets the stage for other things we often say.
I’m hurt because people don’t try to talk to me
A common complaint about church is that Christians don’t make an effort to befriend us. Many people have even left a church because they felt a church was unfriendly or unwelcoming to them. And, yes, I’m sure there’s a church full of sinners out there that truly is cold and unwelcoming.
However, any time we want to be upset or hurt because others don’t try hard enough, we must ask ourselves a simple question: How much effort am I putting into forming relationships?
There’s no excuse for us not reaching out to others. Nothing stops us from approaching someone and getting to know them. We just tell ourselves “I can’t” and so we don’t. This puts us in a strange circle where we get upset that people don’t reach out, so we continue to distance ourselves more and more.
Perhaps what we’re really upset about is that people aren’t serving us. They aren’t doing the work of becoming our friends, so we’re hurt or angry because they aren’t meeting our needs.
It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:26-28)
Christ is our example. Expecting others to do the work elevates us above them because it comes from a heart that says “I deserve this. Others need to reach out, but not me.” Instead, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it may be, we can serve others by reaching out and being the first to initiate a friendship.
I’m bad at being social or have anxiety
Practice makes perfect. Or, as an introvert trying to be social, practice makes improvement.
I don’t know how social butterflies actually exist. The ability to just befriend anyone is an incredible gift, and being able to have ten conversations in an hour without passing out from mental exhaustion is something many introverts may never understand. The ability to have absolutely no fear or hesitation to strike up a conversation with a stranger may forever seem impossible.
If this article has resonated with you so far, then you probably feel like no amount of effort can cover up the fact that you’re either incredibly awkward, socially inept, or carry a lot of anxiety in social situations. Whether it’s because people are born with social skills or learn to develop them, we can often feel like no amount of logical persuasion can change the fact that we just don’t know what we’re doing.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23)
The fruit of the Spirit is what it looks like for our lives to reflect Christ. This isn’t something we work for, but it’s what the Holy Spirit works in us. Nothing in this Galatians passage mentions being charming, charismatic, or knowing how to navigate social situations. However, God does grow our love, peace, and self-control. And those three things are often what we need most to come out of our shell.
Love motivates us to talk to others. We want to love them by putting them above ourselves, acting beyond our natural preferences, and doing what we’d never do without the work of Christ in our lives. Even if we fumble our words or struggle to have interesting conversations, we still love our brothers and sisters by investing in them in ways they may never understand.
Christ gives us peace in the midst of our fears. Whatever our reasons for having social anxiety, Christ is greater. And even if that fear never fades, it will only call us to lean on Christ even more.
Introversion most often affects our emotions. Through that lack of self-control, our emotions lead us to be selfish. Through the Holy Spirit, we don’t need to be controlled by how we feel, but instead we can be led into what is good and true.
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)
Through the power of Christ in our lives, we can live and serve in ways that might seem otherwise impossible. Sometimes this can mean standing firm in the midst of persecution. Sometimes it’s staying faithful despite all the world’s temptations. And, sometimes, it’s loving Him so much that we will talk to someone at church in spite of everything else.
You’re more than a label
Please understand that this article isn’t a call to better behavior. Someone isn’t a better Christian because they’re more social. Instead, I’m calling for Christians to honestly examine themselves and ask whether they allow their natural introversion to lead to selfishness.
Being an introvert isn’t inherently sinful. The greatest error we make with being introverts is that we let it define us. We’re tempted to say “I’m an introvert, so here’s how I must behave.” By doing that, we don’t just close the door on the Holy Spirit working through us despite our natural preferences – we hold that door shut and keep repeating “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!”
People who know me may be surprised by what’s written in this article. Few people know how much I rely on Christ when choosing whether to enjoy my solitude or reach out to others. This article is the result of my own journey as I continue to find balance between being introverted and glorifying Christ by how I engage with the community He has me in. I see it as a sign of the Holy Spirit in my life that I can be an introvert and, out of a love for Christ and His people, strike up conversations at church or reach out to people.
I’m an introvert, but I’m also a servant of Christ. If you’re introverted, shy, or have social anxiety, remember that you too are a servant of Christ above all else.
We must surrender to Him in all areas of our lives. We may never get to a point where being social requires less effort. We may spend all of our mental effort in talking to one person every week. And in the end, it’s okay if we still have a small group of people we’re comfortable with. However, through Jesus Christ we can choose to love and serve others by doing what doesn’t come naturally, but instead doing what must come spiritually.
Don’t be a selfish introvert. Instead, be an introvert to the glory of God.
